Anon

I used to think that "Anon" was the name of some wise ancient sage.

Back in the days of dial-up and before the glory days of google... I used to browse archaic websites filled with clever or inspirational quotes. I did this so that I could put them on my AIM profile..... so that everyone on my buddlylist would think I was sohpisticated.





Man. Those were the days.

So anyway, I would find a quote that looked like this:


"The sun only shines on the faces of those who are looking skyward" - Anon

And I would think to myself.... "Wow... that Anon character must be really deep."

Seriously.

Even if half the quotes on the page was written/spoken by "Anon" .... it never occured to me that "Anon" was actually just short for "Anonymous."

It was kind of like finding out Santa wasn't real...but as a freshman in college. I don't think I've completely recovered from my shock combined with the realization of my own stupidity. I just remembered that situation and needed to record it for posterity.

I am also on a lot of cold medicine right now. So. Maybe that was a boring story. I have no way to tell.

My Lifetime Resolutions

I would call these New Year's resolutions, but let's face it, many of these things cannot be perfected (or properly attempted) in one year.

I'm going to be working really hard on the following things starting this year. I would like to:

• Not say anything to embarrass myself in public. And when I say "embarrass myself" what I really mean is not say anything that give me away as an idiot person who still has a lot to learn about life. I have strong opinions... and sometimes... those opinions stem completely from ignorance or a lack of understanding. So I guess this resolution is more of a wish than a goal. But. I shall try to not be an idiot. 

• Surround myself with fewer annoying people.

•  Be less easily annoyed by people. This goes hand in hand with resolution number 2. If I'm less easily annoyed... everyone who annoys me will disappear. Like Honest Abe once said: 

"I destroy the people who annoy the crap out of me when I make them my friends."

That's a direct quote. I read it in his diary. Moving on.

• Eat fewer processed foods. I miss the days when bread was made out of wheat... not chemicals. And when I say I miss those days, what I really mean is that I would have no idea what those days must have been like were it not for my lovely former roommate Rachel. She ground her own wheat (I saw it with my own eyes) and the bread she made was the most delicious bread any human has ever consumed. I'm going to try to buy fewer foods that I could easily make myself.

• Eat less fast food. I've already sworn off burgers from fast food places (go me, and thank you Food, Inc.), but I'm going to have a hard time giving up chicken-bacon-swisses from Arbys. And curly fries. Mmmmm curly fries.

• Buy less stuff.

• Make more stuff. Thanks to pinterest, I truly believe it is possible to fill a home with more homemade items than store-bought items without it looking or feeling Amish. seriously. Name one home furnishing you cannot find on pinterest with an attached do-it-yourself tutorial. I dare you.

• Find a job in a place where winters don't turn me into a frosty biznatch. I'm sure I'll blog about that later.

• Keep my car clean. I really, really love having a car free from crumbs and dirt and clutter.

• Downsize my wardrobe and get rid of any possessions I don't need. I've already started this process. I think I must have D.I.ed at least half of my clothes last week. Onward and upward. 

• Be a kinder person.

If I don't stop myself I'll just keep listing things forever. I think this small chunk of goals is fine for now.

Tights from Ross

I have been meaning to get some good tights to wear to work lately. It's freezing outside but I always wear skirts to work for lack of work pants. Even when I'm wearing boots, there is a vulnerable region of leg left exposed from my mid-calf to the top of my knees. In the fall this was fine... but now it's unbearable.

So, thinking I was being ridiculously clever and frugal... I decided to buy tights at Ross. I'm not made of rubies OKAY?!?

I searched through the socks and tights section for seriously at least an hour before settling on a couple pairs. I didn't want tights that were too see-through, or a weird color, or a weird design, let ALONE the peril of too-small tights.

Too small, you ask? Aren't tights stretchy, you say?

Yes. They are. But there comes a point where the tights are just too tight or too short to pull up all the way..... and Ross is not super keen on organizing their tights by size. Nevertheless, I was fairly certain that I had been victorious.

After paying for my super cheap and awesome tights... I stole away to go home and try them on. What would the world be like if we could try tights on before buying them? It would be a creepy place. I don't want to buy any item of clothing if someone ELSE has already stretched it over their body like skin. Gew. Double shudder.

As I tried on each pair of tights... I realized that Ross had fooled me. The size label on the package didn't match any of the tights. And, I know I'm not just making excuses... because one of the pairs in a two-pack was actually a pair of Ralph Lauren tights... and the other pair was who-knows-what brand.... and neither of those brands were the brand listed on the label. So, I basically searched for tights for an HOUR just to buy the wrong size anyway. Awesome. The other pack was the same story. CURSE YOU ROSS! ... just kidding. I love you.
So... the tights-trying went a little something like this:

1st pair..... No brand.... floral design. EXCEPT. All floral designs kind of look the same before you put the tights on so you have no idea what you are actually getting. I was lucky enough to get some sort of weird tribal-cheetah design. And they were too small. Which exacerbated the problem. It looked like I had Mike Tyson tattoos all over my legs. Sick.


2nd pair..... Ralph lauren.... Fit like a dream. Of course they do, Ralph. Of course. Bless you.

3rd pair... No brand. Too short. Mary Poppins penguin pants crotch syndrome. No Bueno.


4th pair.... Weird color. I thought gray tights would be cute. But.... they are completely opaque. So I looked like the gray-leggins jogger. The gray-leggins jogger is some guy that jogs around provo wearing nothing but extremely tight heather-gray leggings and a shirt. It scars my soul every time I see him. One time he jogged right past me on the sidewalk and it was one of the most awkward social experiences of my life. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, GRAY LEGGINGS JOGGER!

The moral of the story is... don't buy 4 pairs of tights at ross instead of buying one pair of nice tights... because you will spend the same amount of money and still only get one pair that works.

The Magical Thing from Pinterest.

Okay... so... There is this thing floating around on pinterest claiming that dawn dish soap and hydrogen peroxide can remove yellow stains from white shirts.



I am here to tell you that this claim is completely and utterly TRUE.

I tried it. Just like the lady's blog said I should... go HERE .

And the yellow deoderant stains disappeared. It really. was. magic.

Maybe you don't care because your genetics don't predispose you to overactive sweat glands... but mine sure do.

I did notice that the older the shirt was... the harder it was to get it completely clean... but just the fact that MOST of the stain was gone on my ancient undershirts amazed me.

So. Go forth and remove your pit stains.

This actually wasn't on the list of things I need to blog about....

At one point on the freeway today, I was surrounded by 4 or 5 huger-than-necessary trucks. At first I was disgusted.... but rather than continue to judge the likely wasteful and lamesauce drivers... I began to imagine what those huge trucks might actually be needed for. I came up with the following list of legitimate reasons to own a HUGE arse truck. All other excuses are bull crap.

Huge truck legitimacy:

1. The driver is literally 8 or 9 feet tall. I wouldn't judge Yao if he stepped out of one of those.

2. The driver lives on a farm and uses the truck to do farm-like activities such as hauling huge quantities of hay, or maybe a small livestock trailer. I support agrarian America.

3. The driver has invested heavily (get it?) in gold bars, and, not trusting anyone, routinely re-hides his stash of gold in various locations to keep it safe. It takes a big truck to move that much gold that regularly. (Ron Swanson?)

4. The driver has recently adopted a baby elephant with significant medical issues, and must use his huge truck as a means of taking the giant pup to and from doctor visits. Bless his heart.

5. The driver made that truck himself, for free, and it happens to run on fairy dust, which is also free and doesn't pollute the planet.

6. The driver owns a large sea vessel that can only be towed with an gargantuan vehicle. Like a Spanish-galleon sized vessel.

7. The driver is very, very short and has a rare medical condition which requires him to drive standing up.

8. The driver is an avid civil-war reenacter who owns a few cannons and likes to take them out on the town every now and then.


That's all I got. I'm going to go out on a limb and say my freeway-mates don't fall into any of those categories. But... imagining a baby elephant in the back of one of them kept me from hating them all while I drove. So... it's fine.



Note: your truck probably shouldn't look bigger than your house. Ever.



It's been really difficult for me to refrain from using a certain word in this post. It rhymes with "swoosh-bag" ... I'm tempted... but I'm really trying to quit. Anyway, those are classic swoosh-bag tires.



The homey driving is wearing white sunglasses. The mark of the swoosh. Ps forget his license plate number...



I'm sorry... is that a tiny bass boat? Ya............................................. No.

It's sad. k BYE.

So many things I want to blog about...

BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME.

This blog is a place holder..... for blogs on the following subjects:

Rogue altos in the christmas program

Tights that are supposed to fit.

Guys who work at pharmacies

Taking Finals

Idiot things boys have said to me

Super offensive relief society activity

QUILTING MANIACALLY

Wearing socks when it's cold... and other such wintry things

My new life plan

Christmas times

The thing from pinterest that worked fo real

A tribute to my 400th post 18 posts ago

Black friday fabric shopping

And.... whatever else I think of. It'll happen some day.