Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tights from Ross

I have been meaning to get some good tights to wear to work lately. It's freezing outside but I always wear skirts to work for lack of work pants. Even when I'm wearing boots, there is a vulnerable region of leg left exposed from my mid-calf to the top of my knees. In the fall this was fine... but now it's unbearable.

So, thinking I was being ridiculously clever and frugal... I decided to buy tights at Ross. I'm not made of rubies OKAY?!?

I searched through the socks and tights section for seriously at least an hour before settling on a couple pairs. I didn't want tights that were too see-through, or a weird color, or a weird design, let ALONE the peril of too-small tights.

Too small, you ask? Aren't tights stretchy, you say?

Yes. They are. But there comes a point where the tights are just too tight or too short to pull up all the way..... and Ross is not super keen on organizing their tights by size. Nevertheless, I was fairly certain that I had been victorious.

After paying for my super cheap and awesome tights... I stole away to go home and try them on. What would the world be like if we could try tights on before buying them? It would be a creepy place. I don't want to buy any item of clothing if someone ELSE has already stretched it over their body like skin. Gew. Double shudder.

As I tried on each pair of tights... I realized that Ross had fooled me. The size label on the package didn't match any of the tights. And, I know I'm not just making excuses... because one of the pairs in a two-pack was actually a pair of Ralph Lauren tights... and the other pair was who-knows-what brand.... and neither of those brands were the brand listed on the label. So, I basically searched for tights for an HOUR just to buy the wrong size anyway. Awesome. The other pack was the same story. CURSE YOU ROSS! ... just kidding. I love you.
So... the tights-trying went a little something like this:

1st pair..... No brand.... floral design. EXCEPT. All floral designs kind of look the same before you put the tights on so you have no idea what you are actually getting. I was lucky enough to get some sort of weird tribal-cheetah design. And they were too small. Which exacerbated the problem. It looked like I had Mike Tyson tattoos all over my legs. Sick.

2nd pair..... Ralph lauren.... Fit like a dream. Of course they do, Ralph. Of course. Bless you.

3rd pair... No brand. Too short. Mary Poppins penguin pants crotch syndrome. No Bueno.

4th pair.... Weird color. I thought gray tights would be cute. But.... they are completely opaque. So I looked like the gray-leggins jogger. The gray-leggins jogger is some guy that jogs around provo wearing nothing but extremely tight heather-gray leggings and a shirt. It scars my soul every time I see him. One time he jogged right past me on the sidewalk and it was one of the most awkward social experiences of my life. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, GRAY LEGGINGS JOGGER!

The moral of the story is... don't buy 4 pairs of tights at ross instead of buying one pair of nice tights... because you will spend the same amount of money and still only get one pair that works.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Magical Thing from Pinterest.

Okay... so... There is this thing floating around on pinterest claiming that dawn dish soap and hydrogen peroxide can remove yellow stains from white shirts.

Pinned Image

I am here to tell you that this claim is completely and utterly TRUE.

I tried it. Just like the lady's blog said I should... go HERE .

And the yellow deoderant stains disappeared. It really. was. magic.

Maybe you don't care because your genetics don't predispose you to overactive sweat glands... but mine sure do.

I did notice that the older the shirt was... the harder it was to get it completely clean... but just the fact that MOST of the stain was gone on my ancient undershirts amazed me.

So. Go forth and remove your pit stains.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

This actually wasn't on the list of things I need to blog about....

Big Truck

At one point on the freeway today, I was surrounded by 4 or 5 huger-than-necessary trucks. At first I was disgusted.... but rather than continue to judge the likely wasteful and lamesauce drivers... I began to imagine what those huge trucks might actually be needed for. I came up with the following list of legitimate reasons to own a HUGE arse truck. All other excuses are bull crap.

Huge truck legitimacy:

1. The driver is literally 8 or 9 feet tall. I wouldn't judge Yao if he stepped out of one of those.

2. The driver lives on a farm and uses the truck to do farm-like activities such as hauling huge quantities of hay, or maybe a small livestock trailer. I support agrarian America.

3. The driver has invested heavily (get it?) in gold bars, and, not trusting anyone, routinely re-hides his stash of gold in various locations to keep it safe. It takes a big truck to move that much gold that regularly. (Ron Swanson?)

4. The driver has recently adopted a baby elephant with significant medical issues, and must use his huge truck as a means of taking the giant pup to and from doctor visits. Bless his heart.

5. The driver made that truck himself, for free, and it happens to run on fairy dust, which is also free and doesn't pollute the planet.

6. The driver owns a large sea vessel that can only be towed with an gargantuan vehicle. Like a Spanish-galleon sized vessel.

7. The driver is very, very short and has a rare medical condition which requires him to drive standing up.

8. The driver is an avid civil-war reenacter who owns a few cannons and likes to take them out on the town every now and then.

That's all I got. I'm going to go out on a limb and say my freeway-mates don't fall into any of those categories. But... imagining a baby elephant in the back of one of them kept me from hating them all while I drove. So... it's fine.

Note: your truck probably shouldn't look bigger than your house. Ever.

It's been really difficult for me to refrain from using a certain word in this post. It rhymes with "swoosh-bag" ... I'm tempted... but I'm really trying to quit. Anyway, those are classic swoosh-bag tires.

The homey driving is wearing white sunglasses. The mark of the swoosh. Ps forget his license plate number...

I'm sorry... is that a tiny bass boat? Ya............................................. No.

It's sad. k BYE.

So many things I want to blog about...


This blog is a place holder..... for blogs on the following subjects:

Rogue altos in the christmas program

Tights that are supposed to fit.

Guys who work at pharmacies

Taking Finals

Idiot things boys have said to me

Super offensive relief society activity


Wearing socks when it's cold... and other such wintry things

My new life plan

Christmas times

The thing from pinterest that worked fo real

A tribute to my 400th post 18 posts ago

Black friday fabric shopping

And.... whatever else I think of. It'll happen some day.