So. My tummy has a heart beat, which would be awesome if I were like, with child. But I'm not. I have had the weirdest pain in my side for a month and I don't know if the doctors just think I'm making it up or what. They keep doing tests but then they wait a week to tell me that they couldn't find anything wrong. It wouldn't be so bad if I were getting better. But I'm getting worse. I think they are just hoping that if they ignore me the pain will go away. Nice plan Stan. Meanwhile, I am lucky if I can eat one meal a day, and if I lay perfectly still in my bed and take Tylenol I can sleep at night sometimes. Last time I checked, WebMD tells you to seek medical attention immediately if you are experiencing throbbing abdominal pain.
So, I have sought out medical attention and they do not have a clue what to do with me. What do I do now? If Dr. House were a real person he would have already insulted me and cured me WEEKS ago. And Dr. Chase would have flirted with me shamelessly because I am just that good looking.
So who else would know what's wrong? Mr. Body? You know.. that guy who had a show on PBS. He wore a bodysuit with all of his internal organs diagramed on the outside. I'm sure he would know. Apparently his name was Mr. Goodbody. Shudder.
He deserves two pictures. I think what creeps me out MOST is that his body suit has attached toes and gloves. Blegh.
Another option: Ms. Frizzle. She could just drive her little magic school bus into my digestional tract and tell me what's wrong.
Or possibly Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. But she is underqualified, fictional, and unavailable.
Or I could go to a witch doctor. Except when I told Nicole that idea she said, and I quote:
"A shaaman, if you will. They scare the ghosts out of you by rubbing a dead guinea pig on you from your head to your toes. Do you REALLY wanna go that route?"
No. I do not. But at this point I am ready to just show up at the emergency room and tell them that there is an alien growing inside of me that they need to remove. STAT.
"A shaaman, if you will. They scare the ghosts out of you by rubbing a dead guinea pig on you from your head to your toes. Do you REALLY wanna go that route?"
No. I do not. But at this point I am ready to just show up at the emergency room and tell them that there is an alien growing inside of me that they need to remove. STAT.
Kristin, I am sorry that you are in pain... I am glad you can find the humor in any situation. That was just plain entertaining.
ReplyDeleteahahahahhaahahhaha WHERE did you find a picture of mr. body!? i thought he and everything about him was extinct. and also, dr quin medicine woman is a good idea, but i'd go for 'Skydancing', that indian doctor, duh. its the best cross between a shaman and dr. quin.
ReplyDeleteHis name was cloud dancing, no duh. But Good suggestion! I didn't even think of that.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of paragraph one, I was thinking, "Just go to Dr. House, Duh!"
ReplyDeleteAnd then you brain twinned me.
In other news, I am sorry you have a pain :( But I am glad you wrote this blog because it made me ROFL.
Kristin, is it your gall bladder? My parents both complained of really severe abdominal pain before getting their gall bladders out. I think that's why they call it a "gall" bladder. Anyway, maybe you should check that out.
ReplyDeletePS, awesome office reference.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I am sad that I'm not going to BYU. THis would be one of those times :)
ReplyDelete"do you really want to go that route?"
bahahahaha
Maren :)