Monday, March 30, 2009

Letters Unsent

Seriously, sometimes I just feel like writing anonymous/not anonymous letters to people who I think need some advice. I of course never send these letters, or even write them. But at least once a week I send people letters in my head. For instance, today I had a mental letter constructed that went as follows:

Dear Madonna,

I am in no way trying to fight you. You have scary biceps and really strange muscular thighs. But seriously, stop trying to adopt kids from Africa who already have families. I'm sure there are plenty out there who really do need adopting. And for crying out loud, do not name that child "Mercy." You are not awesome.



This is Madonna herself, calling dibs on adopting an unsuspecting giant-headed Kanye West. Little does she know, Kanye does NOT need to be adopted, nor does he want a new mommy who could break his skull in that nutcracker armpit of hers. Quit it Madonna. Stop with the madness.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Facebook Hiatus.

I have put myself on a week-long facebook hiatus because I just know I am not going to have time to waste this week. I have too much homework. So in the meantime I will probably be blogging more when I take a break from writing papers. I mean, I can only blog for so long whereas I can spend an infinite amount of time on facebook. Its a good plan okay leave me alone. Gah. Anyway, I'm also going to be taking a break from TV. I just decided that just now. Mostly because my real point in writing this post was to share with you all one of my new favorite commercials.

Ya, I shouldn't have favorite commercials right now. Hence the TV ban. Anyway, this makes me giggle super hard. Mostly just the cyclist and the man doing the hammer dance. Enjoy.

Quote of the Day

"At some point, things will reach critial mass."

My Father is a wise man. It's totally true.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Could there be a grosser word in the whole world? I was going to post the definition... but it made me queasy just to read it so I thought I'd spare the rest of you. Anyway. No clever lead in for this blog post. I've been feeling super crappy lately and then just got a weird pain in my side... so I web MD'd it and immediately thought I had pancreatic cancer. I'm a worrier okay? haha. But really. Something was wrong. So I went to the doctor and he checked me out... had to pee in a cup.. etc. and then they wanted to get some blood. Here is the thing. Blood and needles and even the sight of the arm rubber bands make me sweaty. But I went in knowing they would want my blood (to confirm my own web MD diagnosis) so I pulled up to the table and put both my arms out like a champ, ready to be poked.

Okay so maybe I had to sip some juice because I started getting nauseous before they even started. Whatever. I was a champ. Two different nurses wiggled their fingers along my hands and insides of my elbows trying to find a vein. News flash. I don't have any. They claimed they found one and poked me anyway.. just to say "oops.. we'll have to try it again..." and then I broke. I deflated and started looking for something to puke in. Maybe some tears leaked out of my eyes. Whatever. The nurse left the room to "give me a little break" but I was done. There would be no blood coming out of me that day. So my mommy poked her head out of the door and asked if we could do it some other time. The doc wrote up an order for what he wanted done with my blood... and came in and made some jokes about African sleeping sickness and tsetse flies and slipped the word pancreatitis in there along the way. (Pancreas! I knew it!) He told me to go get it done ASAP and not dawdle. With a serious look. Laughing, joking.. then *FLASH SERIOUS LOOK* "don't dawdle." Obvious doctor scare tactic.

It worked. Sooooo Mama Booth came down and took me to the hospital today to do the tests because they are pros at getting blood out of veinless people. I warned them of my blood test phobia problem... and some sweet older phlebotomist (gag) touched my arm ONCE... poked me ONCE... and had everything done within like 30 seconds. I barely even felt it. I love her. Still... I had to chill in the chair for like a few minutes because I did almost pass out. But whatever. Done and done. Hopefully nothing is wrong. Probably nothing is wrong. We shall see. And I successfully had blood taken without crying or passing out. I seriously think that is the first time that has ever happened in my life. Go me!

Okay so maybe writing this made me really queasy and I had to run to the bathroom because I almost threw up again. I'm not a champ.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Darn you, Pancreas!

My pancreas hurts. I'm probably going to the doctor today. And I'm probably getting a blood test. And I'm probably going to faint. FOR SURE.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Every time I have stood up today I have seriously felt like fainting. This concerns me. I do not like it when my face goes numb. The last time I really, really fainted was in my 10th grade Human Biology class. We were studying blood. Since my teacher just happened to be diabetic and totally comfortable with making himself bleed, he decided that it would be an awesome idea to do a lab on blood. With his blood. Which is totally disgusting and now that I think about it, probably a major health code violation. Anyway. He bled. I witnessed it. I asked to go to the bathroom but he didn't answer me, so I blindly wandered toward the door as the blood (ironic) drained from my head. All of a sudden I couldn't see or hear, and I was sitting on the floor wanting to throw up in the worst way. It was awesome. NOT. I'm getting all queasy just thinking about it. Bleghghhgg. Fainting. Not fun. don't try it. Here is a collage of fainting goats. Enjoy.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ah, spring in Provo.

I am not a dog. Do not whistle at me.

I am not hard of hearing. Do not "holler'' at me.

I am not disrupting the normal flow of traffic. Do not honk at me.

Can't a girl walk to the bus stop these days without being acoustically accosted? It reminds me of walking home from Centerville Jr. High in Fremont. Only now I don't have any homies around to cuss them out for me in Spanish. OR English. What do they expect me to do in response? Because they will not get a darn thing in return. No smile. No eye contact. I will just keep on walking. I ain't no hollaback girl. I'm allergic to idiots and honk happy A-holes. Sorry.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Richard Gere

He's old. However, sometimes I have a crush on the younger version of him. I don't care what you say. He was a pretty man. Some things get better with age: cheese, wine (so I'm told)... ya that's all I can think of. But Mr. Gere I fear will never be what he once was. Lets compare and contrast:

The Old Gere:
The Younger more dashing Gere:

Holy smokes he was fine.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Quote of the Day

In reference to cranky days, I told my dear friend Jessica that its okay because everybody has those days. She replied with:

"I have those days every day these days."

And I loved it. Quote of the day. Done and done.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Meandering thoughts I have wanted to say out loud lately...

But there is never someone next to me to hear them. So I will send these thoughts into the blogosphere instead:

1. I will never be able to say this with absolute certainty, but I'm pretty sure my fridge smells just like Jeffrey Dahmer's.

2. It doesn't matter how grown up a guy looks or how mature he claims to be if he ACTS precisely like a teenage boy.

3. Lies come in all shapes and sizes, not just in the form of words.

4. You know how most people lose things when their room is a mess? Well I cleaned mine a couple days ago and now I can't find anything. I'm concerned about the red nail polish that WAS lying the the exact center of my floor.

5. Don't give up Mr. Right for Mr. Right now.... because Mr. Right Now may think you are Ms. Right, and Mr. Right might pass you by while you are wasting Mr. Right Now's time and possibly breaking his heart while you're at it.

6. Growing up is a process. It takes time. But I wish some people had a "fast forward" button.

7. Look! My skinny jeans are loose! (This one actually requires someone to be next to me.)

Friday, March 13, 2009

I See... a BAD Moon Risin'

I think I have heard the question "What is this world coming to?" uttered in the last 3 or 4 months more than I have heard it in the last 21 years of my life combined. It seems like the world is deteriorating at a seriously exponential pace. The HBO scandal really made me stop and take a good look at the world around me, and I'm honestly shocked at what the world has ALREADY come to. It's going down the toilet, and Satan's hand is on the flusher.

Do you remember the shootings at Columbine High School? I'm sure you do. What unfolded that day is burned into my memory forever. I was in the 6th grade, and it was the top story on the news for months. Next month will mark the 10 year anniversary of that shooting.

What do I see on the news reel of my homepage every other week at least? Shootings. School shootings, church shootings, college shootings, mall shootings, even Christmas party shootings. Seriously almost every day there is some new massacre and no one even bats an eye. Maybe it shows up on the news that night, maybe it doesn't. The shock and awe is gone. We have become so desensitized to brutal mindless slaughter that its almost as if we just accept it as a calculated risk we have to take every day. Seriously think about it. Go look at the top news stories for the next couple of days or weeks. The world is going straight down the crapper. THE CRAPPER I TELL YOU!

The U.S. has been at war for almost 10 years. Has anyone else noticed this? I know freedom isn't free. I'm not an anti-war activist. I'm just saying. We are still at war. It feels like a perpetual conflict that will never be resolved. It's like that one pesky piece of toilet paper that just swirls around and never goes away no matter how many times you flush. Which is worse? The U.S. actually going down the toilet... or just bobbing around in a clockwise motion?

Big Love. As upset as I was when the show debuted, I eventually accepted it. I resent the fact that it is giving a huge amount of people the wrong idea about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, because we don't practice polygamy. From what I've heard, the story suggests that the characters are indeed "Mormon" and makes no attempt to differentiate at all. This is probably one of Satan's favorite tricks. One of my religion professors refers to it as The Law of Counterfeits. I had never heard of it so I don't know how common the term is, but it is a real occurrence. For every true and correct law or principle there is a similar but incorrect copy cat, usually propagated by Satan to confuse even righteous people from finding the truth. For example: Baptism. There are so many accepted methods of baptism in the world that it would be easy for anyone to get the wrong idea about what it is and why it is needed. So thank you Satan, first of all, for confusing everyone about our church you dirty nasty non-man.

When I first heard the rumors that Big Love would be broadcasting mock temple ceremonies, I was completely appalled. Then, I was relieved because rumors started flying that it was a false alarm. THEN. HBO confirmed their heinous plans. The concept of Big Love is atrocious enough, but exploiting something that our church holds so sacred is a big giant oh no you di-ent no no. It seriously has put me at a loss for words almost every time someone brings it up. For anyone who has ever been within a 50 foot radius of me, you know that compelling me to silence is no small feat, especially regarding something I feel so passionate about. I just never thought I'd see the day one of our holiest ordinances would be so carelessly and disrespectfully shown to a broad, uninformed audience as a form of entertainment.

So, what is the world coming to? My friends, it is already there.

Satan, go ahead and keep on flushing gleefully. One of these days that drain is going to be cleared by fire, and it will not be such a happy day for you.

I will be relieved when that day finally comes for the sake of my family, friends, future family and humanity. I'm patiently waiting for the moon to turn to blood... but I think it already has.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What Is the World Coming To?

You think about that. Let that simmer for a minute. Because I have been thinking about this a ton lately. When I'm prepared, I'm going to blog your socks off. Be ready.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

It's Official

I want to marry Brad Paisley. He's married. Scratch that. I'll marry whoever takes me to his concert. Deal? Deal.

He and I have had a special bond ever since sophmore year at Davis high, Where I printed out the very picture at the top of this post and taped it inside my locker. I may or may not have scrawled " I (heart) Kristin " on his shirt. You know. Because he's a fan of mine. That picture kind of creeps me out now, but I thought I'd post it for posterity's sake. I like this one better:

It's a little more rugged.

But seriously. There is nothing about Brad I don't like. He's never made a song I didn't enjoy, he loves his wife, his guitars are paisley printed, he is NOT ugly, and something about his voice just melts me. In a good way. Not in a radiation poisoning way. Seriously. Take me to his concert and you will have my heart forever. Consider this our wedding announcement.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I I I IIIIIII'm ... Feelinn Gooood.

Picture that title being sung by Michael Buble... and you will experience exactly how I feel. I just feel good right now. I went to the temple this morning (pssst... monday mornings at the Provo baptistry are extremely awesome and quiet and perfect and unbusy.) I would keep it a secret but then I would feel selfish. The Temple is the bomb.

Anyway. I have been a Debbie downer for like...I don't know.. 3 days? But I am just feeling good right now. So I'm blogging about it. I don't know what else to say really I just want to announce to the world that life is awesome. The End.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

The curse is officially broken. Come April 2nd, I will NOT be celebrating not having kissed anyone for the 7th year running. (See last year's post) Thank you to everyone who still believed I was kissable after such a heinous amount of time, and thank you yucky alarm for allowing someone to break the curse. Life is good.

No more details on the matter will be discussed here under penalty of disembowelment.

The curse is broken. The end.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

John Mayer

I used to hate John Mayer.... but when I'm having a hard day this song helps me remember the heart of life is good. Life is way good. MY life is way good. So thank you johnny cakes for reminding me!

The Heart of Life:

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good