Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Oh, the BYU

Here is a list of things I observed on campus today that made me chuckle and shake my head.

A seriel commenter (you know the type) in my religion class felt that he needed to go on a 5 minute rant about the history of fornication. Because, you know, he, being extremely well versed in the ways of the world as a 23 year old BYU student, felt that he needed to augment my many-times published professor's lecture on First Thessalonians. Thank you for that, you fornication-crazed maniac.

Several students in my Infant Development class halted the progression of the slide show on human reproduction because they "....just didn't get how it worked." That would be understandable if this were say, the puberty lecture we all got in the 5th grade. But no. The maddeningly frequent questions were being asked by girls only a little bit younger than me who HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR YEARS AND HAVE ALREADY BORN CHILDREN. I kid you not. Only at BYU.

Sometimes, I like to sit in the JFSB in front of the international studies office and watch the International news they have playing on three large flat-screen TVs. One channel was in Arabic, one was Japanese, and the third was tuned in to CNN. The Arabic channel was boring and didn't have any news anchors. Just a series of static pictures and crazy text. The Japanese channel was running a story on the oldest couple to ever complete a marathon. It was an 83 year old Japanese man and his 78 year old wife. They were the cutest little old runners ever. They were totally fit, and both sported hot-pink track suits. A sort of team uniform, if you will. And he totally wore a hot pink fanny pack. I think it is amazing that people SOOOO OLD can be so fit. And then there was CNN. Airing footage of Punxutawney Phil wriggling around in some presenter's hand. Apparently, PETA wants to replace the groundhog's day groundhog with a ROBOT because it's inhumane to keep a groundhog in captivity. Way to go, America. Your news is lame.

And of course. The BYU couple that looked like 10 year olds who were loitering in front of the vending machine while I was waiting to purchase a quick Fresca before class. He wouldn't stop kissing her, and she couldn't figure out HOW TO PUT THE MONEY IN THE MACHINE. Move it or lose it, babies. Mama needs some bubbley.

Go Cougs.

Monday, January 25, 2010

She got that cashflow

Today, my coworker discovered that you could search for your name on .... This is definition #1 for Kristin:

1. Kristin

One of the coolest people you will ever meet. She is always there when you need her. She likes to kiss her guy friends. She got that cashflow. Drives a silver mustang, and dont take s#!% from no one.

"She be fly",

Nah, she be kristin

I LOVE IT. So I decided to look up my entire family on urban dictionary. The definitions were most likely created by 15 year old homies. I edited out the bad words. Its kind of a shady website. But please, enjoy.

1. Jackie

Jackie is the name of an incredibly beautiful girl that is good in school, is athletic, has an amazing body, can get a guy drooling over her in seconds.

Her name is Jackie I bet she is an amazing girl.

1. Tami 

kick-a girl who won't take any #$%* from anyone

Tami is the coolest babe around.

1. Nicole 

Awesome person that is often imitated but never duplicated.

Nicole is so godly that I adore her.

1. Michelle

Hebrew meaning "like God"...michelle's are often Leo's, astonishingly gorgeous, very athletic, dark hair and usually curly/waivy/thick, another thing is that almost all Michelle's have similar noses.

guy#1. "man that girl was hot"

guy#2. "must've been named Michelle"

1. Sharon

Somebody that is amazingly beautiful, funny, kind, and outstanding.

Ohh man. Her name has GOT to be Sharon! She's gorgeous

1. brion

cutest, most incredible, great kisser; all the girls want him

girl: you heard about the new boy?

girl2: OMG that bryan kid?

girl: no dumb-a its brion, he's great!

Bahhhhhh hahahahaha. I love it. But don't go to that website. It's gross sometimes.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Booth Family Values

I said: "Gluteus Maximus"

He said: "More like beauty-ous Maximus"

This was said by a usually extremely polite boy. I admit I'm a little disappointed I didn't come up with it myself. Great right?

Don't worry Dad, he wasn't coming on to me. And sorry Mom, he wasn't coming on to me. He is just a buddy. I was going to just make this a short little quote of the day, but now all these less endearing references to derrieres keep popping into my head. Especially this one which was widely propagated by a Ms. Salt and Ms. Peppa circa the early 90's:

"I wanna thank yo' motha for a butt like that."

Unfortunately, no one can thank my mother for a butt like that. And well, you can't stop the blog wheels in my head once they start turning. I feel that at this time I need to squash the widespread and automatic assumption that certain assets have maternal origins. The Booth Butt is just that, a genetically Booth trait. A family heirloom, if you will. It is passed down from generation to generation, manifesting itself more prominently in some than in others. I'm sure I could scrape up some candid family photos depicting my point, but I feel that would embarrass far too many people and at least one of them would attempt to assassinate me. Maybe someday I'll dedicate an entire scrapbook to the subject and keep it privately and safely confined away from the viral spread of humiliating information known as the internet. And if I were a more crass individual I would point out the well rounded appearance of several words in this paragraph that contain the letters s, a, and s.... used right next to each other and in a better order. Have fun going back and looking for them. I know you will.

I used to think that I had somehow managed to escape the inheritance of the mark of the Booth. When I was in junior high I was extremely fit and tiny. Sometimes I even mourned the absence of curves in a certain bodily geometric plane. But when this commercial came out, I inwardly rejoiced.

Once I got to high school not a whole lot changed, although I did possess hips and thighs that inspired certain HILARIOUS (no wait, obnoxious) boys to set in motion stories such as this. Still. Not really a Booth Butt.

Then. I went to college. And discovered Nutella. My weight has fluctuated in the last 5 years between 150 and 195 pounds. Right now the needle on the scale rests somewhere in the middle and I don't care to discuss it. The point is this:

Of all the weight I've gained (or lost) over the years, hardly any of it has ever taken up residence in my midsection. I'm about 25 pounds overweight right now. Welcome, Booth Butt. You have found your place with me at last.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hoppy Birsday Michelley!

To my favorite albino beluga child sibling.

You were an extremely hefty baby.

With superb facial expressions.

Its a good thing you turned out so dang beautiful.

You are 16. Don't kiss boys. They are gross.

P.S. Happy Birthday.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Oh Woe

My computer has been out of comission for a few days. This displeases me. Because I keep thinking of these excellent funny things to blog about but I have no way to release them into the blogosphere. And so the little ideas grow stale and now I don't even remember what any of them were about. If they come back to me, I will surely blog. Oh blog world, I've missed you. Take me back. I'll never leave you again.