Saturday, July 24, 2010


A couple days ago I woke up from a nap with the "Miss Susie had a baby" song inexplicably stuck in my head.

Not familiar?

It's a really trashy rhyme we used to sing when we were playing a ghetto pattycake game in elementary school. Our version went like this:

Miss Susie had a baby, the baby had a bill
miss Susie went to heaven, the baby went to
HELLO operator, please give me number 9
And If you disconnect me, I'll kick your big
BEHIND the 'fridgerator, there lay a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it, and broke her little
ASK me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their
FLIES are in the city, the bees are in the park,
Miss Susie's with her boyfriend, kissing in the
D-A-R-K D-A-R-K Dark dark dark!
The dark is like a movie, the movie's like a show
A show is on a TV set and that is all
I KNOW I know my mama, I know I know my pa
I know I know my sister with a 40 acre bra!

I didn't think anything of it when I was little. I also didn't think anything of this one:

Mailman mailman do your duty,
Here comes Shayna with a big fat booty
She can shake it to the right
she can shake it to the left
when she shakes it she's the best

Oh. And there were tons more. One of my favorites when I was little was this gem my friends learned while cheerleading for the Fremont Football League, aka the FFL, as in, the pee-wee football league in my city where little girls learned how to be hoochies and little boys turned into thugs. Way to go, Fremont. Anyway. It went like this:

Who000 rocks the house?
Kelly rocks the house.
And when Kelly rocks the house,
she rocks it

Now, we didn't use this rhyme during pattycake. We didn't use it during hopscotch. No, not even playing jump rope. When we sang that one, we stood in a semi-circle and whoever we said "rocked the house" would dance in the middle of the circle until the ending line. On the ending line, the girl in the middle would shake her hips all the way down to the ground. As in. We rocked the house all the way down.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

I feel like old school black and white dodge caravans totally look like killer whales.

Am I wrong?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I can't believe I forgot to write about this...

I watched "Invictus" for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It blew me away. It's set in newly post-apartheid South Africa. Even though segregation laws had been done away with, the people of South Africa were far from being united. It's actually a pretty accurate portrayal of true events, and that always gets me. The movie itself is mostly clean. There are a couple dirty words to beware of, one of which is pretty blatant, but the rest are kind of hard to make out because they are being mumbled by Rugby players with South African accents.

Rent it.

Also, the movie is named after the famous poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley. It's my new favorite. It's amazing to me how literarily incompetent I am sometimes. I had never heard of it until watching this movie, but I love love love it.


Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell grasp of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I may or may not have just typed that entirely from memory. Booyah.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Things that must GO.

I smelled someone's fart at work today when I tried to get a drink at the drinking fountain. Please visit Things That Must Go for further details:

Drinking Fountain Farters

OMG the horror.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I likey this song.

Its tooooooo bad I wasn't old enough to be a Bruce Springsteen groupie back when he was in his prime. And when I say I wasn't old enough, what I really mean is that I wasn't born yet. I think this concert was held in 1986. So close. Then again, maybe it's for the best. His groupies were probably disgusting hoochies. But dang, do you BLAME them?

Maybe I will marry someone named Bruce. Ya, I know. It rhymes with spruce, and goose, and abuse, but man. Bruces seem to be winners.

Bruce Wayne?


Bruce Springsteen?

Winner. A patriotic winner.

A white-trash batman, if you will.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Things That Must Go.

Remember how I started a new blog? Please become a follower. Its called "things that must go."

Most of the posts will be original, but as I look through my blog archives I'll probably adapt some of the posts I've written about previously to fit the new blog. I love it. FOLLOW!

Do it.

K thanks bye.

Quote of the Day

Have we solved the toilet paper caper????!!!

Friday, July 9, 2010


I know my posting frequency has been waning. I KNOW. I'll be better. I'm also working on a (gasp!) new blog, that will hopefully fulfill my dreams of syndicated bloggership someday. It's going to be greaaaaat.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Glenmoor, Oh Glenmoor

A while back I attended a little poetry night with a few neighbor friends. Each guest was required to present an original poem, and seeing as how I didn't have my junior high diary handy in which I had several dramatic rhyming tragedies recorded for posterity, I feverishly wrote this poem. I'm posting it here upon request from those who heard it, who want to relive my childhood with me over and over again. Enjoy:

Glenmoor, Oh Glenmoor

It didn’t take me long to choose
For my poetic entry
Short stories from my childhood
At Glenmoor elementary.

Our principal had a Gerry curl
And smoked two packs a day
Yet somehow wooed a married teacher,
Resigned and ran away.

Our music teacher hated kids,
Bragged Gershwin was her homie
But judging by her singing voice
That story was baloney.

I was the whitest little girl
There was or ever has been
Still I learned me some double dutch
From Shayna, Kelly and Jasmine.

When it came to bullies
I refused to pay my dues.
I once gave one a bloody nose
When he attempted to abuse.

One day my lunch was stolen though,
they even took my glasses.
Had I known the thieves behind the heist
I would have kicked their @$$&$

Janitor Dave was a frowny man
With a significant stalker ‘stache
But I really liked him after he fished
my retainer from the trash.

Our playground boasted rusty slides
And swings with broken chains
Nestled in a neighborhood
Oft frequented by gangs.

My education was unique,
A crazy one at that
Yet still I’m proud to call myself
A Glenmoor Wildcat.