Saturday, June 30, 2012

My organs talk a ton of shh about me behind my back...

Something somewhat significant happened about 3 months ago: I was diagnosed with PCOS, a disease that makes it pretty much impossible for my body to use carbs for energy.

Weird, but big whoop, right? Carbs shmarbs.


Unbeknownst to me, THIS is what I my metabolism was going through on a daily basis:

Brain: Wakey wakey. Time to fuel the body for the day. I'm going to tell Kristin to eat some healthy foods, and maybe some whole grain baked goods. 
Stomach: Me hungry. Nom nom nom.
Pancreas: I sense an increase in blood glucose. I shall commence releasing insulin to convert this sugar into cell-food, because I am an extremely efficient and useful member of this team.
Brain: Thanks pancreas. You're my favorite organ. 
Ovaries: Excuse me? Why am I never invited to these metabolism functions? I'm going to release some totally unnecessary hormones. Have fun sorting that out, you elitist flock of biotches.
Stupid Hormones: I don't know why I'm here. Tra-lala la laaaaa.
Bloodstream: These chemicals be crazy up in here.
Cells: What's happening out there? I'm confused. I'm not opening up my food doors. I feel like everyone's fighting. I'm sensitive. 
Pancreas: Wait what? The cells aren't eating? This cannot be. They LOVE eating. I must not have released enough insulin to sufficiently break down the sugar for them. I'm ashamed of my failure. No one can know about this. I MUST TRY HARDER. *Insulin Insulin Insulin*
Stupid Hormones: Derp der-derrrr.
Cells: Pancreas... chill out. You are being very pushy right now. I just don't feel good about this, okay?
Cells: Omgosh fine. But I'm only taking a little bit. And I hate you.
Bloodstream: These nutrients need to back up off me. They're just bopping around in here forever like this is their home. But guess what? This is MY house. Time to send them down to fatty town. POW.
Fat Deposits: Yes, my little nutrients. Join our fold. This is where you belong. Welcome. 
Cells: I'm tired. No one appreciates me. No one cares how I feel. It takes all my energy just to EXIST in this relationship. I'm taking a nap. Leave me alone for the rest of my life. We're through. 
Brain: Ooookay. The cells are getting cranky... They must not have eaten anything. Kristin didn't consume  enough nutrients and carbohydrates to go around. Stomach: reawaken.
Pancreas: I'm on it. 

And on and on it went. Always hungry. Always tired. Everything I ate got turned into fat. 

Lest you think I made all this up as an excuse for being flabby and eating with the ferocity of a veloceraptor, I now take some serious diabetes medication to fix my metabolism. And I'm not diabetic. And it doesn't kill me. So there. 

P.S. .... that just reminded me of the scariest movie moment of my childhood:


  1. This banter between your organs made me giggle uncontrollably. Especially your derpy hormones. Hahaha. I'm so glad you're blogging again.


  3. Stupid Hormones: I don't know why I'm here. Tra-lala la laaaaa. Best. Line. EVERRRRR and I am with Tami. I am glad you are back. You not blogging made me grumpier!

  4. Glad things are going better for you now! But I was compelled to comment on the Jurassic Park moment: I STILL occasionally have nightmares about running/hiding from velociraptors.

  5. This is why you're my friend.

  6. Oh my gosh. I just died. Seriously. I love this so much. I just emailed it to all my sisters.

  7. I basically just died laughing at my desk. Thank you times a billion