Intervention

I love carbohydrates. I think I probably have this in common with most other humans and living creatures. What I DON'T have in common with most people, though, is a condition that makes it extremely hard for my body to process carbs in a normative way. I've talked about it here before, so I'm not going to go into much detail about the whys and hows.

ANYHOO.

What I would just like to throw out into the universe today, is a a request for some support when it comes to this whole "food" situation. The kind of support I'm requesting is pretty no-muss no-fuss. It basically comes down to this:

If you see me eating or about to eat ANYTHING that falls into one of these two categories....

Food that contains high concentrations of flour or starch. (Bread, pasta, noodles, pizza, pretzels rice, mashed potatoes, tortillas, chips, everything worth living for, etc.)

or

Food that has any amount of refined sugar. (Cookies, brownies, cake, treats, candy, ice cream, soda, etc.)

Please just do me a solid and take it away from me. Even if I protest. Even if I tell you it's okay for me to eat it. Even if you have to pry it from my cold dead fingers. I would also suggest that you maybe throw it as far away from me as you can get it. Seriously. Chuck it. And then rub it in the dirt and maybe drizzle something disgusting on it so that I don't attempt to enact the 5 second rule.

There is a very rational explanation for this request.

...crickets...

If you want the explanation, read on.

I don't want you guys to think I'm a cray-cray who doesn't eat carbs. I eat them. The problem with the food above lies in the concentration (and not necessarily the mere presence) of carbs. I eat more than enough to keep me healthy and happy. Trust me. My body is healthier right now than I ever have been in my adult life. In order to STAY healthy and happy, I can only eat carbs in low concentrations, spread evenly throughout the day.

When I fall of the wagon and start eating super carby things, bad things happen. It sets off a chain reaction in my metabolism that causes my body to assume that I am starving to death. (True Story) I then legitimately turn into a cranky carb-eating hellish banshee until every carb within a 50 yard radius of my person has been consumed. And then I feel sick for days and I no longer have friends.

I PROMISE I am sick of talking about this and I didn't mean to go off on an explanation tangent. I just wanted to make sure the stakes in this situation are clear. Most of the time I don't have an issue, so a food-stealing-and-throwing event would be rare. I may or may not have, however, had a shameful apple pie binge recently, and that is why I'm giving ya'll a heads up.

Friends don't let friends eat whole apple pies.