Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Lortab Dreams

The other night I had a dream that I was being chased through a building by someone bad. I don't know who exactly it was that was chasing me, but it wasn't really a nightmare, because I was winning. Every time I turned a corner into a seemingly dead end, there would be a random escape route. Like a door. Or a staircase. Or an air duct. Or a trap door. Or a pole to slide down. Or a ladder to climb. Or a pipe to crawl through. Seriously. One of the trippiest and enjoyable dreams of all time.


I was at a summer camp with my old roommate Michelle, and we were really concerned about being able to shave our legs before we went to the camp cafeteria for lunch. Once we were on our way to eat, in the distance I could see a Moose. Pushing a lawn mower with its nose. Just you know, mowing the woods.


I was at home. And for some reason, a baby cougar and baby wolf kept getting into our house to play with our dog Lady. Which was distressing, because there was a giant scary bear outside skiing down the mountain who really wanted to be reunited with the baby animals. So I took a picture of the baby cougar. But the baby cougar was actually a baby human, dressed in a baby cougar costume. It never actually looked like a baby cougar.


It was suddenly a year later, and my cousin Alex and his wife Kristine had adopted the cougar baby. But the baby hadn't aged. (Mysterious.)

And then I woke up. And I remember thinking to myself, "I really need to blog about that dream. Mostly just the part about the moose mowing the lawn in the woods."

But aren't you glad I included all those other parts?

I blame my vivid dream on the fact that I have been taking lortab to get to sleep. So that I don't wake up on top of my arm in the middle of the night and say a painful curse word.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Perils of Do-It-Yourself

This post is going to be a little embarrassing. But, I believe in full disclosure, so here is the unabridged version of what exactly happened on Saturday, September 25th 2010. Which resulted in this:

Warning: Some of this is gross.

3:30 PM: All roommates and associates of mine leave the immediate area. Some went to the football game, some went to the Relief Society broadcast, some just felt like being unavailable, etc.

4:15 PM: I decided it would be a good idea to do some laundry, wash some dishes, and possibly wax my eyebrows. I've been doing that myself for a few years, and had never yet had a bad experience.

4:33 PM: With laundry in the washer and wax in the microwave for 1:00 minute, I began doing some dishes.

4:34 PM: Microwave beeps. But the wax was still solid. So I put it back in for 1 more minute.

4:35 PM: Microwave beeps again. Apparently, the wax went from being a complete solid to wicked hot in 1 minute. I took the wax out of the microwave. My hands were wet from doing dishes. The container slipped out of my hands, and hot lava wax from hades spilled all over my arm.

4:35 PM: I instantly wisper-screamed "OUCH ..... SH!&" and looked at my arm in disbelief. The pain was intense. I don't know how else to describe it except to say that it was shocking. I then put my arm under some cold water. Please note that I had just been doing dishes, so I had to wait a few eternal seconds for the water to cool down.

Note: This is where it gets gross. Also, there is a picture of my burned arm a little further down. Don't say I didn't warn you.

4:36 PM: I began trying to peel as much wax off my burned skin as quickly and gently as I could.

4:37 PM: I peeled some skin off my arm on accident.

4:38 PM: I looked at what I just did, and refrained from barfing.

4:39 - 4:45 PM: I thought a little bit about my situation while I had my arm under the cold water, and called the emergency room to find out if I needed to come in. Of course, the emergency room recording says that they can't give medical advice over the phone. So I decided to use the immense knowlegde-base known as Google to find out what the crap I was supposed to do.

4:50 PM: According to a burn website I was directed to, I had some second degree burns, and needed to hold my arm under cool water for at least 20 minutes. So I went back to the sink and cooled my arm off some more.

5:00 PM: I returned to the interwebs to find out what the next step was. And I quote, "If any second degree burn is larger than the area of a quarter, seek medical attention immediately."

My arm looked like this:

And I would say that's at least a dollar bill.

5:05 I started making phone calls and sending text messages to people who might be able to drive me to the ER. I couldn't exactly drive myself without risking my skin falling off on the way.

5:20 No one responded who could actually help me. A few people texted or called to see if I was okay, but they were in Salt Lake for the broadcast.

5:25 After realizing it had almost been an hour since the initial burnage, I decided I needed to drive myself to the ER. So I grabbed an ice pack and said a little prayer that I would be able to make it to the ER safely (oxymoronic). I don't know if you have ever tried to drive your injured self to the ER, shifting with your good hand and steering with an extremely painful burned appendage, balancing an ice pack, in an ancient truck with a stick shift and no power steering, but personally I would say it was a CHORE. But how blessed I am to have had a vehicle in which to get myself some help.

5:35 Once I got to the ER (after entering the wrong way and almost getting into a head on collision) I saw a member of my bishopric there (med student). He asked me how I was. I told him I had a burn. And then I started sobbing.

The rest of the time table isn't as clear cut, so I'll just squish it all together. They took me back to get treated pretty quickly (take that, kid who came in because his face hurt. I HAVE A WOUND! I WIN!) and I didn't have to wait very long to see the doctor. He looked at my arm and said most of my burn was 1st degree (thank goodness) but that I did have a couple spots that would take a while to heal. He decided not to scrape off the rest of the wax, because it looked pretty clean and he said it would come off on its own. He DID make me get a tetanus shot. Because I guess that's important to do when you lose some skin.

The tetanus shot didn't even phase me. It was nothing compared to what I had just experienced. For anyone who has ever seen me interact with needles, you can attest that I must have still been in a state of shock.

The nursey nurse showed me how to take care of my burn, gave me a prescription for painkillers and sent me on my way. She was a nice lady. By that time one of my roommates had come to the ER to make sure I wasn't dead, and we merrily made our way home with my new hundred-dollar purple bandage. I might as well have wrapped my arm in 20's.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

A good Day.

I woke up this morning with my retainer tangled in my hair. If that's not an indication that today is going to be a good day, I don't know what is.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Skirts with Backpacks and Other Such Campus Shenanigans.

Sometimes, girls at BYU wear skirts with their backpacks. This would be fine, if they were aware that with every step they take, their backpack could potentially expose their bum to the world. I am well aware of this phenomenon, and only wear skirts which I have tested for no-ride qualities. I used to take pity on these poor girls, and would tell them their skirt was tucked up under their backpack. I would try my best to let them know as soon as I saw it coming. I once ran up a hill to catch up with a girl whose skirt was perilously close to underwear territory. And all she said was "oh" and tugged her skirt down. No "thank you". And then I watched her skirt get all bunched up again as she walked away. She didn't even care. AND I RAN!

And so, I have become proud and bitter in my old age. Proud at the fact that I NEVER allow my backpack to eat my skirt, and bitter at the fact that these girls made it all the way to BYU without understanding the basic relationship between gravity and friction.

I can't think of anything to say that would resolve this blog for a good ending. So. The end.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Quote of the Day

"David. You look like you're about to expound."

-Dr. Topp

Quote of the Day

A text conversation bemoaning what is wrong with the dating world:

Me: It sucks.

Boy: I know it does... It makes me sick how easy it is for others. Its like ''Oh hi, by the way, we're in love.'' ''ok, cool.''

Quote of the Day

"Love isn't blind. Love is an idiot. It knows EXACTLY what it's getting into, and it doesn't care."

Friday, September 17, 2010

I really don't like sharp things.

Seriously. Just thinking about anything that has the ability to pierce or cut me induces a minor panic attack.

I was watching the Bourne Ultimatum tonight on TV, and it's pretty intense. P.S. WHY is Matt Damon so freaking attractive?
Anyway. At one point, Bourne is battling some crazy agent who has most likely gone through the same ridiculous-killer-ability training as he has. It was probably one of the most intense hand to hand combat scenes I have ever seen. AND I kept my eyes open the whole time, UNTILLLLLL......

One of the guys picked up a razor blade.

Automatic eye shield. I just can't handle sharp things. I can't even watch Pirates of the Caribbean without closing my eyes at some points. I just don't like the idea of any thing piercing anyone's skin any time any where. I don't even like carrying knives around the kitchen.


The other day I was cutting up a potato... and somehow the knife slipped and I slapped my abdomen with the blade super hard....And I stood and thought about what had just happened.... and then I almost fainted.

Did it cut me? No. Luckily I was wearing a rather sturdy apron.

You heard it here first: Flirty Aprons saved my life. The apron didn't even snag.

I hate sharp things.


I keep getting behind in my blogging. I blame it on the fact that I am busting my butt at school. Which is great. Because that means I'm not procrastinating. Which is a first. Speaking of busting my butt and being behind..... Have you read "Miss Crusty" lately?

Also, with the new school year I have been presented with many, many new subjects for Things That Must Go. I just haven't had time to do them literary justice yet. Some ideas that have been bopping around in my head:

Serial Commenters must go

In-class scab pickers must go

People who block the walkways must go

End of row sitters must go

What are some things that you think should go?

Monday, September 6, 2010

Get out of here.


Seriously. People have been mowing, edging, cutting, and annoying me for like an hour. All I want to do on my day off is go dig up part of the Columbine bush in my front yard and re-plant it in my little planter baskets. I tried to grow them from seeds, that failed. So I'm just going to go prune down the flower bush and steal part of the root system and put it in my freaking flower baskets. THAT'S ALL I WANT. GO AWAY, GARDENER MAN!!!! NOW!!!!

PS the sound of the lawn mower is about to drive me to murder you.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Quote of the Day

"You are so unfamiliar with the gym, you call it JAMES."