Monday, November 30, 2009

Letters to Juliet

How many times did I just watch this trailer in a row, you ask? 5. In a row. That's a good 15 minutes of pure awesome. Watch it. Then we will discuss:

HOLY macaroni I want to see this so badddddd.

First of all, Italy is beautiful.

Second of all, references to Shakespeare are always appreciated. Do you think the old bard has had his temple work done? And do you think he accepted it? I hope so. I very much want to hang out with him some day in the great beyond and talk about human nature and the grand scheme of things. He's so witty. That was a tangent I did not expect but my mind is tired and I indulge its little quirks whilst blogging. ANNNNYway.

Third of all, old people make me really emotional. The part where she is just standing there and he rides up on his horse and Taylor Swift's "Love Story" is playing in the background... and then they just look at eachother. MAN. Goosebumps. Every. Stinking. Time. I can't even help it. I love love. I love old love. I love long lost old love being rekindled. I love young love appreciating old love. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. The word love looks mighty funny to my brain right now.

Fourth of all, "The greatest love story ever told is your own" flashes up on the screen, and at some point the young man is running somewhere urgently in formal wear and you just KNOW something big is about to go down. And there's the pretty little girl. And they just look at eachother.

End Scene.

There isn't much info up on IMDb yet, but one thing I do know it that doesn't come out until May 7th 2010. Looking at that date makes me feel like I would need a time machine to ever watch it, but really it's only 6 months away. I think it is so strange that we are in the twenty-tens almost. Where the freak is my robotic dog and flying car?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Oh no she Dih-ent.

I just got sassed by a customer service representative. That makes me BURNING mad. Do not get loud with me whilst you are telling me that you are going erase a fee as a ONE TIME COURTESY. I heard you the first time. And furthermore, it should be an EVERY time courtesy. I did not get loud with you. Don't try to tell me I KNEW you sneakily cancelled my automatic bill-pay to try to rack up some late fees. If you charge me a fee that I don't deserve, you better be clamouring to kiss up to me. I have been working in customer service for years. I know precisely how to make your life miserable. I will bring tears to your eyes.

I mean.

I would. If I weren't such a Christian woman.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sick Nasty.

I got crop dusted today. Twice. Not familiar with the term?

crop dusting. verb. definition: Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.

It is soooo much worse to get crop dusted when it is cold outside, because you can actually feel yourself passing through someone else's cloud. Woof.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Thank You

I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you to the man who had an "Elkaholic" decal on his cowboy truck.

I got a New way to Walk... (walk walk)...

Here's the thing about the world wide web. I can be thinking about Sesame Street for no good reason on a snowy Saturday afternoon, type the lyrics to my favorite Sesame Street song into Google, find an ancient clip of it on YouTube, and entertain myself with puppet pigs in sassy outfits for a good 5 minutes. We live in an amazing age.

I have thought about this clip many a time over the last umpteen years. No one else I have ever talked to besides my sisters remembers it, and I haven't seen it since I was really tiny. I am inordinately happy to have finally found it. Of all the hours of Sesame Street I have ever watched, I think this segment has influenced my cognitive development the most, for better or for worse. It is a catchy little song about walking with confidence and attitude, sung by the "Oinker Sisters" who are all decked out in 80's pop-star attire. This clip may have had something to do with my zesty attitude as a wee little lass. It also could have influenced my decision to ask my teacher Ms. Sally to write out that I was going to be a movie star when I grew up on my pre-school diploma. And I am certain that I walked and talked with more confidence than any 5 year old should ever possess. Whether I liked this clip because I was already sassy, or I liked being sassy as a result of this clip, the world may never know. Most likely it was a combination of nature vs. nurture as most development tends to be. Either way, these muppet pigs were my idols. You will not be sorry you watched this:

(5 dollars to whoever can determine what the intended nationality of the 'cowboy' music executive was... Irish? Scottish? Swedish?)

In case you missed it:

*None of these sassy pigs are wearing pig pants. Scandalous.

*Please notice the way they throw back their snouts in awesomeness after every phrase of the chorus.

*There is a fake mole on the lead singer's pig face, despite the fact that she has a very weird baby voice during the speaking part.

*I was always baffled by the way the pigs defied gravity by walking straight up one side of the giant "WALK" sign and then straight down the other side. How DID they do it? Amazing.

And yet, it never occurred to me that they were made of Muppet foam.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Quotes of the Day

Girl-talk makes me laugh. Especially when we talk about weird boys. Here is why:

"He and I... are finished. He is the meanest kid on the block."

"He needs a woman. A strange strange woman."

"I don't know. He is just a problem that will only be resolved by eliminating him."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Quote of the Day

" R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it MURDER. Not MUCK-DUCK."

"Criminals are like raccoons okay. You give them a little taste of cat food, and soon they're back for the whole cat."

- Dwight K. Schrute, my love.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Carrie Underwood Has An Unfortunate Name

Has anyone really ever heard or said her name without smirking? I can't help but think "HAA HAA Carrie UNDERWEAR" any time I see or hear her name. I slay myself. I know. I'm mature. But really though. She may as well have made her stage name Carrie Panties or Carrie Boxer-briefs. It makes me think of the way Cory always used to say "UNDEH PANTSSSS" on Boy Meets World. In fact. Lets watch that for a second....

Oh man. It never gets old. Anyway. I love Carrie Underwood (hee hee). I think she has a beautiful voice and she is a classy lady.

I am a picky music listener. A song must sound nice yes, but if it is lacking in the lyrics department I get tired of it really easily. On the other hand, I sometimes enjoy songs that are lacking in the melodious musical department because I am a sucker for a witty set of words. I think this explains my love affair with rap music. BUT. If a rap song has a sucky beat it is dead to me. On the mutant third hand, every now and then there comes along a special song with just the right combination of wit and musical integrity. Such songs are rare and I treasure them.

I have listened to Ms. Undehpants new album and I love love love a couple of her songs. Neither of them fall into the excellent third category of awesomeness, but they are fun. One of them is called Cowboy Casanova. It basically badmouths shady cowboys who are liars. For some crazy reason I enjoy that. I mean, somehow, on some absolutely mystifying level I indentify with that message. And the song is catchy. And it makes me want to buy a pair of cowboy boots for the express purpose of kicking cowboy casanovas where they deserve it. You may interpret that however you want. The back up dancers in the music video are kind of hoochtacular, so I have posted one of those ridiculous youtube audio-only "videos". But with LYRICS. And fancy colors.

A snake with blue eyes huh? Hmm. Who'da thunk. Innnnnnnteresting. Okay enough of that.

The other song of hers I love is called Quitter. It starts out sounding pretty cheesey, but the bridge and chorus just make me happy okay. OKAY?!!! No lyrics here, but you can just look at her pretty little face while you listen to it if you want. If you really hate it, before you judge me at least listen to the second verse. Starting at 1:25.

I don't think I have ever included 3 youtube videos in one post. Huzzah. Yay for the Tube of You. Hip Hip Hooray for technologay.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Quote of the Day

After wondering aloud if a certain boy was just trying to save me for a rainy day...

"You are sunny day material. Don't be any boy's rainy day."


Friday, November 6, 2009

Shocked and Appalled.

I cannot even believe this is real. Someone showed me this today and I seriously almost had a rage problem for a second. Elbows? Ya. Whatever. Slide tackles... they happen. But almost breaking someones neck with their own pony tail? I seriously sat there with my mouth open for like 5 minutes. We won. Put that in your pipe and smoke it you drunken witch.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Uh... She is weird. She cuddles with dead swans. Yah."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Its a Dangerous job....

I am like, the Henry the 8th of phone owners. My cellular devices often meet a cruelly undignified demise long before their normal life expectancy predicts. My retainer has been in service longer than my last 6 cell phones combined, and it has a far nastier job. Lets just take a little looksie at my phones of phonedom past and commiserate over their untimely entrance into that big Verizon store in the sky.

The first phone I ever destroyed was one of the earlier Samsung flip phones. It was silver, and had no outside display screen, camera or any other awesome features to speak of. EXCEPT.. it had a little red indicator light that would flash when I got a text message. I thought I was just so sneaky at school because I could carry on meaningless texting conversations during, YES DURING class. The phone I had just upgraded from was a nokia brick that vibrated like a jackhammer when it was on "silent" and caused electrical anomalies in surrounding devices any time any kind of message or call came to my phone. It was like it had an invisible tractor beam that hooked straight into a satellite. Needless to say, the little red indicator light on my new sleek flip phone was a cutting edge commodity.

One fateful day just outside of Jackson Hole, WY... I was camping with a YSA group next to the snake river. We got back from rafting the river that day and I for some unknown reason decided to put my phone back into my pocket, even though I didn't have service. There was a little creek next to our camp ground that fed into the river, and Holly P and I decided to go frolick in it before dinner time. Everyone else in camp was playing a rousing game of apples to apples at a picnic table near by. I rolled up my jeans as to not get them wet, and began wading around having a jolly good time. Out of no where, I stepped on a mossy rock and fell butt first into the creek. Who would have ever thought there would be a mossy rock at the bottom of a creek. Fat lot of good it did me to roll up my pants. Anyway. A roar of laughter erupted from the picnic table and I stood up slowly, only to find that when I fell I had landed on the swamp thing. Its smushed carcass was spread all over my bum. It looked like I sat in a pile of horse dooty. Holly had come over to help me up and I was laughing so hard that I lost my balance and fell into the creek AGAIN. More Laughter. More swamp nastiness. We made it to the bank and that is when I remembered that my beloved little phone was in my back pocket. It had fallen prey to the carnivorous swamp thing stuck to my behind. There would be no more laughter that day. FAIL.

There were two phones that croaked on their own behalf within the next year. They were faulty. THEY WERE FAULTY OKAY???

My next victim bought the farm after like 2 years of normal aging and a little, shall we say... negligence on my part. Basically, I would just drop it every day. It still totally worked so I was like hmm what the crap. I'll just keep on droppin it. It was a flip phone. One day, I casually dropped it on the ground and, being a flip phone, the top flap just up and fell off. It was still connected to the bottom half with a tiny little optical cable. It looked like Nearly Headless Nick. I very carefully snapped it back together and tada! ... It still worked. Being proud of my accomplishment I thought to myself, "Self, you are cool. I bet you could take it apart again and put it back together and it would STILL work".

Why, why did I tempt fate? I took it apart, but this time accidentally severed its little electrical spinal cord. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put it together again. Death by beheading.

The next phone I got was the LG chocolate. It was kewl. It played music and it was blue and it had a little slidy-outy number pad. I was pretty nice to this phone. I cherished it. But... not enough to pay for a real screen cover to keep it from being scratched. So I coated it in nail polish. It worked. Whatev. Don't judge. I had this phone for a good year before it entered into the dreaded watery grips of Davy Jones Locker. No, it didn't fall into the ocean. It slipped out of my hand while I was filling up the tub for a bubble bath. I seriously screamed NOOOOOOoooooooo(00000) like I had fallen off a cliff. I swear the little nugget screamed back at me for help from the bottom of the bubbly bathtub. My poor little poopsie. (little mermaid reference, not actual poo) I tried to salvage my cherished blue jewel of a phone for a couple days after the incident. Any time I tried to use the touch screen it had a vibrating seizure. It sounded like a dentist drill. It came time to just let go. I should have ceremoniously dropped it into a large body of water like the old lady did with the Heart of the Ocean. Maybe some day when I'm 80 and creepily barefoot and in a nightie on the deck of a ship in the middle of the Atlantic I'll do that. I'll let you know how it goes.

OMGosh so maybe I just went looking for a picture of that scene but somehow ended up spending a half hour looking at youtube montages of Jack and Rose. Woof.

The point of this whole post, is that I have yet again destroyed another phone in the most igmonius of circumstances. I had until yesterday a beautiful functional LG Venus. That phone and I had been through a lot together. Dozens, and I mean literally dozens of long tearful phone calls were made and received. It is a miracle it wasn't waterlogged just from regular phone usage in the last year. It was the closes thing I could find to my dearly beloved LG Chocolate. Ironically, it too suffered a watery death. You could say it went swimming with the fishies. And when I say "swimming" I mean it fell into a a toilet. And when I say "fishies" ... well. I will let your imagination take care of that one. Suffice it to say it has touched things insomuch that I would never press it to my face again. And yes I fished it out. What was I supposed to do? FLUSH? I was in a public bathroom in the JSB. I fished it out and threw it onto the stall floor and just stared at it. What just happened?? My phone touched WHAT? What was I supposed to do now???? I dried it off and washed my hands VIGOROUSLY. It was the perfectly appropriate end to a crappity crap crap weekend. But, I had places to go and tests to take so I just pretended like what had just happened, had not actually happened.

So there I am, studying for a midterm in the Testing Center when all of a sudden, something in my pocket feels warm. Toooooo warm. I pulled out my pee pee phone and it was hotter than lava. The "water" was shorting out the battery. It was making a sizling noise and the camera lense was all fogged up. Sick sick sick sick sickkkkk. For some reason it took me a while, but my mom finally convinced me it would be best to just throw it away. So I did. And when I say I threw it away, I mean I threw it out. And when I say threw it out, I mean I threw it out of my car window while I was driving. Sue me. I was flustrated. Intentional L.