Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Second of all..... why do the worst of the worst get their own dating game shows? I saw a clip of one today.
Third of all, what kind of man hooks his potential girlfriends (as if the plural nature of the phrase "potential girlfriends" weren't bad enough) up to a polygraph?
Fourth of all, what exactly is the initial screening process for female contestants? I really don't think there is one. If there were, the girl questioned in the manner below would not have made it on. Hopefully.
One contestant answered "no" to all of the following questions:
"Do you have a current boyfriend?"
"Do you still do drugs?" (Still?!?)
"Have you ever had a pimp?" (asked in all seriousness)
She failed the polygraph test. Does it really matter which of those questions she was lying about?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I met a new boy today. He seemed pretty cool... EXCEPT... every time we made eye contact he started blinking uncontrollably. I seriously almost laughed in his face like 3 times.
What's a girl to do?
Obviously, he's just unaccustomed to viewing devastating beauties such as myself up close in real life.
Or I am Godzilla. One of the two.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
This is the quote of the decade.... and if it would translate as well into text maybe I would just type it. BUT its not so much what she says (which is mildly offesive)... it's the way she delivers the line that is priceless. This is a clip from the judge's room after a glee club competition. The choir she is talking about is from a school for the deaf.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My life is average.
My GPA is below average.
Sometimes I walk through the frozen foods section of the grocery store, simply because I just haven't met you yet.
I have lived in Utah for 8.4 years and still have not mastered the art of negotiating snowy pathways. If the snow is hard and frozen on the ground I slip on it. If it is deep and fluffy snow, my feet get stuck in it and I trip. If its slushy, I slide around like I'm wearing ice skates. I'm not even talking about ice. Just regular snow. I cannot walk on snow of any type without selling my soul to the gravity gods in hopes of avoiding frictional failure.
Skinny blonde girls are the bane of my existence. Unless they are my friends.
I have a peculiar attraction to men with significant sideburns. Some day I may dedicate a whole blog to it. Where are you, my sideburned prince charming?
I can become a gooey emotional marshmallow at the drop of a hat, despite my devastating ability to B-slap you in the face with witty weaponized words.
I would rather take a multiple choice test that is 150 questions long than write a one-page essay as a final exam.
The tumbling gym in Provo smells like a wet dog wearing puppy shoes made out of onions. BUT. It makes for a great FHE activity.
The more active my dating life is, the less I weigh. Probably because I am an emotional eater. Otherwise, I lose about 5 pounds for every 2 dates I go on.
I keep having nightmares about heavily armed homeless people harassing me. As in, they throw huge axes at me like tomahawks and the such. How they can afford to buy and then throw away their weapons while living on the street is beyond me. I think these dreams reflect the guilt I feel when I don't help the needy, as well as my skepticism toward organizations that claim to help the needy when really they are just out to get your dolla dolla bills.
I don't blush. But when I am embarrassed my ears turn red and get really really hot. Like a Tasmanian Devil.
I have not done any Christmas shopping yet. It is December 16th.
I procrastinate doing my laundry until I have absolutely nothing left to wear. Then I do it all. I am currently wearing swimsuit bottoms under my jeans.
Nothing makes me laugh harder than video chatting with my sisters and morphing our voices until we sound like munchkins.
Ya, my life is average. And I love it.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
- Theodore Roosevelt
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Me: "I'm like a 5 year old boy..."
Co-worker: "Well that explains why you're having trouble with classes. School would be hard for a 5 year old. Unless you are majoring in Legos and Arthur"
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
How many times did I just watch this trailer in a row, you ask? 5. In a row. That's a good 15 minutes of pure awesome. Watch it. Then we will discuss:
HOLY macaroni I want to see this so badddddd.
First of all, Italy is beautiful.
Second of all, references to Shakespeare are always appreciated. Do you think the old bard has had his temple work done? And do you think he accepted it? I hope so. I very much want to hang out with him some day in the great beyond and talk about human nature and the grand scheme of things. He's so witty. That was a tangent I did not expect but my mind is tired and I indulge its little quirks whilst blogging. ANNNNYway.
Third of all, old people make me really emotional. The part where she is just standing there and he rides up on his horse and Taylor Swift's "Love Story" is playing in the background... and then they just look at eachother. MAN. Goosebumps. Every. Stinking. Time. I can't even help it. I love love. I love old love. I love long lost old love being rekindled. I love young love appreciating old love. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. The word love looks mighty funny to my brain right now.
Fourth of all, "The greatest love story ever told is your own" flashes up on the screen, and at some point the young man is running somewhere urgently in formal wear and you just KNOW something big is about to go down. And there's the pretty little girl. And they just look at eachother.
There isn't much info up on IMDb yet, but one thing I do know it that doesn't come out until May 7th 2010. Looking at that date makes me feel like I would need a time machine to ever watch it, but really it's only 6 months away. I think it is so strange that we are in the twenty-tens almost. Where the freak is my robotic dog and flying car?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I would. If I weren't such a Christian woman.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Here's the thing about the world wide web. I can be thinking about Sesame Street for no good reason on a snowy Saturday afternoon, type the lyrics to my favorite Sesame Street song into Google, find an ancient clip of it on YouTube, and entertain myself with puppet pigs in sassy outfits for a good 5 minutes. We live in an amazing age.
I have thought about this clip many a time over the last umpteen years. No one else I have ever talked to besides my sisters remembers it, and I haven't seen it since I was really tiny. I am inordinately happy to have finally found it. Of all the hours of Sesame Street I have ever watched, I think this segment has influenced my cognitive development the most, for better or for worse. It is a catchy little song about walking with confidence and attitude, sung by the "Oinker Sisters" who are all decked out in 80's pop-star attire. This clip may have had something to do with my zesty attitude as a wee little lass. It also could have influenced my decision to ask my teacher Ms. Sally to write out that I was going to be a movie star when I grew up on my pre-school diploma. And I am certain that I walked and talked with more confidence than any 5 year old should ever possess. Whether I liked this clip because I was already sassy, or I liked being sassy as a result of this clip, the world may never know. Most likely it was a combination of nature vs. nurture as most development tends to be. Either way, these muppet pigs were my idols. You will not be sorry you watched this:
(5 dollars to whoever can determine what the intended nationality of the 'cowboy' music executive was... Irish? Scottish? Swedish?)
In case you missed it:
*None of these sassy pigs are wearing pig pants. Scandalous.
*Please notice the way they throw back their snouts in awesomeness after every phrase of the chorus.
*There is a fake mole on the lead singer's pig face, despite the fact that she has a very weird baby voice during the speaking part.
*I was always baffled by the way the pigs defied gravity by walking straight up one side of the giant "WALK" sign and then straight down the other side. How DID they do it? Amazing.
And yet, it never occurred to me that they were made of Muppet foam.
Friday, November 13, 2009
"He and I... are finished. He is the meanest kid on the block."
"He needs a woman. A strange strange woman."
"I don't know. He is just a problem that will only be resolved by eliminating him."
Thursday, November 12, 2009
"Criminals are like raccoons okay. You give them a little taste of cat food, and soon they're back for the whole cat."
- Dwight K. Schrute, my love.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Oh man. It never gets old. Anyway. I love Carrie Underwood (hee hee). I think she has a beautiful voice and she is a classy lady.
I am a picky music listener. A song must sound nice yes, but if it is lacking in the lyrics department I get tired of it really easily. On the other hand, I sometimes enjoy songs that are lacking in the melodious musical department because I am a sucker for a witty set of words. I think this explains my love affair with rap music. BUT. If a rap song has a sucky beat it is dead to me. On the mutant third hand, every now and then there comes along a special song with just the right combination of wit and musical integrity. Such songs are rare and I treasure them.
I have listened to Ms. Undehpants new album and I love love love a couple of her songs. Neither of them fall into the excellent third category of awesomeness, but they are fun. One of them is called Cowboy Casanova. It basically badmouths shady cowboys who are liars. For some crazy reason I enjoy that. I mean, somehow, on some absolutely mystifying level I indentify with that message. And the song is catchy. And it makes me want to buy a pair of cowboy boots for the express purpose of kicking cowboy casanovas where they deserve it. You may interpret that however you want. The back up dancers in the music video are kind of hoochtacular, so I have posted one of those ridiculous youtube audio-only "videos". But with LYRICS. And fancy colors.
A snake with blue eyes huh? Hmm. Who'da thunk. Innnnnnnteresting. Okay enough of that.
The other song of hers I love is called Quitter. It starts out sounding pretty cheesey, but the bridge and chorus just make me happy okay. OKAY?!!! No lyrics here, but you can just look at her pretty little face while you listen to it if you want. If you really hate it, before you judge me at least listen to the second verse. Starting at 1:25.
I don't think I have ever included 3 youtube videos in one post. Huzzah. Yay for the Tube of You. Hip Hip Hooray for technologay.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
I cannot even believe this is real. Someone showed me this today and I seriously almost had a rage problem for a second. Elbows? Ya. Whatever. Slide tackles... they happen. But almost breaking someones neck with their own pony tail? I seriously sat there with my mouth open for like 5 minutes. We won. Put that in your pipe and smoke it you drunken witch.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Oh the horror. Tami. I'm Sorry. That probably ruined your life. Here... replace it in your brain with this image.
That is all. As you were.
Friday, October 23, 2009
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
You have made a beautiful man into an atrocity. Adding a weird patch of lip hair to a handsome face (or ANY face, for that matter) is a recipe for disaster. Lets take a look at the famous evil men in history who have rocked a mustache, shall we?
And basically, every sex offender that ever lived.
Need I go any further? I think not. Please, be responsible. Grow some sideburns. Forget to shave for a couple days. But I beg of you.... do not, under any circumstance, grow a mustache. The consequences are always severe.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
And filled with chatty Cathys.
HATE HATE DOUBLE HATE. LOOOOOOOOATHE ENTIRELY.
I wish that sign said.... "No BULL SHHHH! Zone"
This is not doing anything to boost my mood, which could use some substantial boosting considering the earlier events of today. Let us start from the very begining.
I was 10 minutes late to my favorite class this morning, and really, really sweaty after walking up the stairs and ramp south of campus. I had to scoot my sweaty self into one of the only open seats in the front row. The girl next to me had total poo breath and I wanted to pass away every time she moved. I really hope it was her breath...
After class I started to make my way from campus up to the Morris center for work, which is about a 10 minute walk. Its usually not too bad, but the skirt I was wearing insisted on scrunching and sliding northward whilst swirling around so that the zipper was all skiwampus and not in the center where it was supposed to be. I literally had to hold it in place all the way to the office. I probably looked like I was trying not to poo my pants. I was relieved to be able to sit down at work and relax.
I felt like I wanted some chocolate milk. I love chocolate milk. It is delectable. We have it in our vending machine in the break room, and I was really excited to drink it. I bought some and as I made my way back to my desk I proceeded to shake it up. I hadn't even opened it yet, and out of nowhere the cap flew off and I sloshed chocolatey goodness all up all over myself as I sat down. It was in my hair. All over my desk. All over my face. All over my neck and down my shirt. All over my arms. All over the outside of my shirt. All over my work phone. All over my backpack. All over the cubicle. In my eyes. I looked like a chocolate swamp thing.
Trying not to draw any attention to myself, I got up and walked briskly to the bathroom, got some paper towels, dried my face off, and hurried back to my desk to clean it off before my computer shorted out from being covered with liquid chocolate.
I sopped up as much of the chocolate puddle on my desk as I could before anyone could see, but hours later I still had tell tale brown splotches all over myself. Like unto this one on my shoulder:
I wish the lighting in this picture were better so that you could see how much dried chocolate milk I had down the right side of my face and hair. (Your Left) It really doesn't do justice to my chocolatey dampness at all. Well, I mean, my clothes stayed wet but my hair definitely dried into a crunchy chocolate shell.
I totally just lost my train of thought. Oh yes. So after my milky mishap I sat in wet milky clothes for the rest of my shift. It was awesome. And when I say awesome, I mean that I smelled like a rotten fudgesicle.
I am in no mood for any late night library shenanigans. If the freshies behind me do not shut their yaps in a about 5 seconds, I am going to LOSE MY FREAKING MIND. Like Andy Bernard.
Also, I just found some more chocolate in my hair.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
They call it a fly because my pants have an unwavering tendency to FLY open when I walk. So, I had to tape them closed with scotch tape once I got to work. Not all my pants, just one pair of work pants. It sounds a little bit like I'm wearing a diapy when I move. In these days of health following a skinny summer, I have become somewhat more substantial in the area of my bodacious hips. I'm still fly, but my fly likes to fly.
Also, I saw this guy on campus and I had to take a picture of him....
Your eyes do not deceive you. He is wearing under armor, basketball shorts, khaki shorts, dress shoes, dress socks, and a backward winter coat. It was not even cold, and he is not allergic to the sun.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Church makes me cry.
Realizing how blessed I am makes me cry.
Being really happy makes me cry.
Going to the temple makes me cry.
Cute movies make me cry.
Cute songs make me cry.
Even silly boys make me cry.
Someone plug my eyes already.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
"What the heck!? .... Is he gonna eat that baby for a snack?"
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Never Been Kissed was on TV tonight. I love every single thing about the ending of this movie. Seriously. It gets me.... every. single. time. It doesn't matter how many times I see it. It makes my little heart want to explode. So I wanted to share. This is the first time I've been able to find both parts on youtube to be able to post it. I wish there were continuity because you really do need to watch both parts right next to each other. But whatever. Start here, and listen to the dialogue. Ya, it's long. Whatever. It's worth it:
OMG why did it have to stop there?? I know right.... Don't worry. I found Part Deux....
Okay so here's why I love it.
1. The boss man keeps saying "I've got weiners!" in the funniest excited voice ever.
2. Drew Barrymore actually looks cute for the first time in the whole movie.
3. I love Molly Shannon.
4. BEACH BOYS. "Don't Worry Baby" melts my heart. Seriously. I can't listen to that song without being sooooo happy.
5. When she drops the microphone my heart always stops and I get a little misty eyed. Every time.
6. When she realizes he showed up, her face is priceless.
7. I love that he JOGS out there, and then just walks straight up to her and kisses her without even saying anything, and the camera spins around as he does it and it is just so great.
8. I love that everyone starts kissing, but then the one girl totally has to hit the creeper with her purse.
9. "Sorry I'm late, it took me forever to get here...."
"I know what you mean."
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
I love it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
-Dr. Busby, talking about a study on forming attachment.
I laughed, because his comment reminded me of this picture that they had up on the BYU homepage for a long time. It is from an actual BYU study of infants and their responsiveness to emotion in music. Poor widdle baby!
Monday, September 7, 2009
He stopped and got out before I could get a picture of him (and his little dog, too) driving down the street. FAIL.
I saw a blonde mulleted middle aged man driving down University Avenue like he was this shiz in a rusty blue early nineties firebird with an open hood and a hot pink engine block. WIN?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
So... it just looks like we are driving around Provo wearing nothing but airmattresses. False. We are in our swimsuits. But it looks really funny.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
During education week, BYU is FLOODED with old ladies and a few old men. This would be okay if it were confined to campus. But no. I went out to lunch yesterday to Zupas, which is my favorite place to eat lunch EVER... and there was a herd of grannies clogging up the line. And every granny was saving a spot in line for 5 of her granny girlfriends, and the tables all had purses and jackets put on them to save their spots. I love old ladies. They are fun. But NOT in quanities large enough to force this poor young man to share a table with 5 geriatric strangers.
Monday, August 17, 2009
1. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? My Retainer. Sexy.
2. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew? Why yes. Yes I have.
3. Where was your profile picture taken? Llama Fest '09
4. Who was the last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20? Nicole and Michelle
5. Can you play guitar hero? She's my... cherry pie...
6. Last time you walked further than a block? I walked to the grocery store last night.
7. Name someone that made you laugh today? My mom's quote on Tami's blog haha.
8. How late did you stay up last night and why? probably midnightish. I fell asleep in my clothes on my bed with the light on and everything. Weird.
9. If you could move somewhere else, would you? Right now? no. I hate moving.
10. Ever been kissed under fireworks? No and its starting to piss me off.
11. Do you believe exes can be friends? Umm.. I can't. Maybe some people can, but not me.
12. Do you like calling or texting better? I like talking a la telephone.
14. When was the last time you cried really hard? hmmm.... Probably June 31st.
15. Where is your biological father right now? Snoring in his bed in K-town.
16. Where are you right now? My Bed.
17. What bed did you sleep in last night? Mine no dur.
18. What was the last thing someone bought for you? Thai food!!! mmmmm.
19. Who took your profile picture? Matt Haggard?
20. Who was the last person you took a picture of? I don't even know.
21. Was yesterday better than today? Both days were excellent thank you.
22. Can you live a day without TV? Ya. I haven't watched TV for a long time.
23. Are you a bad influence? Not really. But it probably depends on who you ask.
24. What items could you not go without during the day? Deodorant. It just feels wrong to not wear any. And I guess clothes.
25. Would you share a drink with a stranger? Nope.
26. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? Mama Booth.
27. What does the last text message in your inbox say? I meant for there to be a comma after the need to
28. What are you wearing? Giant green pj pants with little fleur de lis all over them and a black tank top.
29. How many times have you been pulled over by the police? Uno.
30. If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find? Lame stuff.
31. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Ya. Weird.
32. What song is stuck in your head? The into to "Boston" by Augustana. Its pretty!
33. Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be? First of all, there will be no knocking. My bed is right by my window and that would creep me out. Maybe they could throw a pebble. Second of all, it would be some boy who realized that he was in love with me in the middle of the night and couldn't wait to tell me.
34. Who was your last missed call on your phone? Mike.
35. Can you handle the truth? Usually not. But if you lie to me there will be hell to pay.
36. What was the last book you read? The BOM
37. Is there something you always wear? Eyeliner.
38. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes
39. What's something that can always make you feel better? Junk fooooood!
40. What do you want right now? The ability to turn back time, so that I could get to bed before midnight.
41. Look behind you, what do you see? A yellow wall.
42. Have you ever worked in a food place? Coldstone Icecream. I gained like 12 delicious pounds in the first 2 months.
43. Could you answer all of these questions honestly? yes!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Oh wait. No, no I do not enjoy doing that. But I loooooove coming home from Disneyland and seeing that the new home owners rearranged my room for me.
They were even nice enough to tell me where they hid my bedding.
And I am especially excited to be able to cook my food in the uninstalled oven which is in the living room. After I take it out of the unplugged fridge. Which is also in the living room. Next to my washer and dryer.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
"Dude I would have HATED vietnam. Little kids would shine your shoes and put bombs in 'em."
"What does BONO sing?"
"Where is my Coke? (serious face) NO GAMES!"
"I had a dream mom was doing cartwheels and smoking weed. And she wouldn't give me any!"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Behold: I have created a masterpiece.
Do not be jealous of my swing. It only took me 4 attempts over the course of 2 months to perfect it. I refuse to swing on a wobbly swing. Also, throwing the rope over the branch was both more difficult and more dangerous than I had initially surmised. A stick hit me directly in the eyeball. And alllll sorts of tree debris and what not found its way down my shirt. But I emerged victorious. You are all welcome to swing. But be warned... if you vandalize my swing I will vandalize your face. That is all.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
You have a gross mustache, and you are short. I was just trying to be polite by saying "hi" in passing. Didn't your mother ever teach you that it is impolite to stare? Especially if you link the awkwardly prolonged eye contact with an inquiry as to an individuals price. I am not a hooker. Do not ask me "how much" I am. Do not circle me like a buzzard as I walk by. And get your hand off your dirty goatee encrusted chin. Pull that shh again and I will destroy your manhood.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Lets talk about singles wards in Provo, shall we? My ward is awesome. There are a ton of nice girls and a bunch of non-lame guys. I like my ward a ton. And we get to meet in this cute little building!
That being said. Lets talk about the intricacies of seating in the chapel of a singles ward. In the BYU dating world, where you sit during church often flags your avaiability to prospective daters. As lame as it sounds, it is kind of true. Let me enlighten you:
- If you are sitting by only your roommates, you are not dating anyone in the ward.
- If one boy is sitting with you and your roommates, you are either engaged to that boy, or you are just friends with that boy. Easily determined by the presence of an engagement ring.
- If you are sitting by your roommates and several boys, you MAY be casually dating one of those boys.
- If you are sitting by boys and NOT by your roommate, you are either A) not friends with your roommate or B) you are dating one of those boys.
- And finally, if you are a girl, sitting by a boy and all of his roommates, without an of your roommates, and the boy has his arm around you, you are exclusively dating that boy, and any other guy who tries to date you will have to deal with the said boy AND his roommates.
That is all.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
He's super white and has a big nose and huge ears. And she is absolutely gaga over him. Yes. She is a hooch and is very free with her sexuality and can be extremely vulgar. But.. I'm going to go ahead and say there are tons and tons of extremely hot men who would marry her in a heartbeat. She married her husband because she loves him. She couldn't have married him for money, because seriously who makes more money than her? Maybe P. Diddy. I love real love. And I bet they will stay together for a long time if not forever.
3. This song and music video have entertained me endlessly for the last few days. I love it. Just try not to listen to the words very carefully. I couldn't embed the clean version, so just follow the link.
(Disclaimer... she is immodest. She's Christina Aguilera for crying out loud. Also, do not try to read her lips when they edit out the words. kthxbai.)
Okay so how cute is that music video?
JUDGE ME WHY DON'T YOU.
I'm in love! I'm in love with Christina Aguilera and I don't care who knows it!
Friday, July 17, 2009
And Dearest Mystery (stress induced?) Illness... If you even THINK about coming back and riddling my body with pain I will sucker punch you in the face.
I have been doing really well for the last month. The doctor thinks I just have some weird condition where my bile ducts spasm when I eat. There is no disease linked to the condition, its just caused sometimes by stress. So I've been taking meds every time I eat to relax my little tummy and that has been working just fine. It has been glorious. I have been eating like a normal person and I even gained a couple pounds back! Until last week, that is.
Dare I even say it? Yes. I dare. I weigh in at a nice robust 150 pounds these days. Normal. Average. I mean I've still got junk in my trunk but I'm not complaining. Its just so weird. That's only 15 pounds over what I weighed when my driver's lisence was issued at the tender age of 16.
In contrast, 150 pounds is definitely 45 pounds less than what I weighed exactly one year ago. AND I AM NOT COMPLAINING. Seriously though. Its strange.
Also, I decided I wear too much makeup. Its summer time for crying out loud. There is no need. That is all.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
What's a blogger to do?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
(cue the wiggly screen and dream sequence harp music)
Once upon a time at dear old Davis High School, I had to take "fit for life"... You know. The gym class lovingly referred to as "fit for death" and "run for you life" by all the ill fated underclassman who abandoned hope, all those who entered the field house.
I rarely ever wore shorts to gym class, because I was ashamed of my white legs and bodacious hips. But one week toward the end of the school year it was soo blazingly hotter than hades that I had no choice.
Most of our class time this fateful day was spent out on the track. We had a scheduled 25 minute run during which we were not allowed to stop to walk or take a rest. Jogging for 25 minutes? Anyone who knows me knows that this is not my style. I would rather exercise by riding a bike or playing sports. I truly believe that running is only good for running for your life, so I try to avoid it at all costs. My fastest mile run on record in the history of the world was 9 minutes flat, even as a spry young 8th grader. You can imagine the kind of mood I was already in when minute 15 rolled around.
My pace was always crazy slow and I rarely jogged along side anyone else. So there I was, just trudging away on the track in my seldom worn gym shorts all by my white self when I heard a raucous group of boys coming up behind me. They were lapping me for the 2nd time. Right as they passed me the ring leader of the idiot troop asked in a less than subtle voice:
"Who is that girl?! .... Look at her butt jiggle!"
I kid you not. This was not a kid I had ever been fond of, EVER, because he bullied shy awkward people. Even shy awkward adults and old people. I gave him a piece of my mind probably once a week, but this time I was seriously dumb founded. By the time I thought of something equally rude to say to him he was already 50 yards in front of me, and I'd be darned if I started sprinting to say even one word to the jerk. So I just let it pass.
I kept on running for the rest of the period and tried to will my bum to stop jiggling, but to no avail. I went in to the locker room and changed back into my regular clothes after class as always, but this time I was very aware of my bodily imperfections. After I changed I didn't try very hard to redo my makeup or fix my hair because the self confidence gods were already frowning on me that day. Frowning and shooting spit wads.
Defeated and thirsty, I quickly walked out of the locker room into the commons room in the "old" Davis High building to get a drink. Unluckily for me, I was going to have to walk straight through a clearing in the commons area most commonly inhabited by the most obnoxious senior guys ever, because they had long ago dibsed ALL the benches around the drinking fountain for themselves.
(Pause dream sequence... wiggly picture, harp music)
Back to the song. It's crucial to the ending of this story. Please take a moment to view the music video, courtesy the Tube of You (and the weird kid who decided to add the lyrics. Whatever. It suits my purpose magnificently.)
And it really isn't a fake video, it just takes a second to start.
Anyway. Now that the lyrics are fresh in your head. I'll finish my story.
(Resume dream sequence.)
So there I was, a single girl bravely taking a risky walk through a room filled with jack-aces. Most of the girls were still in the locker room because they were trying to un-sweaty themselves, but there were plenty of guys lined up against the walls everywhere. As I passed through this gauntlet of self consciousness toward the drinking fountain, it got really quiet, and some guy dramatically belted out the following words:
"... And when she waaaaaaalks.... all the wind blows annnnd the Angels Siiiiingggg......!!!"
But no one laughed or made any kind of negative comment about my posterior. I finished getting my drink and walked away, my head a little higher than it had been on the way out of the locker room. If ever there were a confidence booster, that was the best one I had ever heard.
And so, it was one of the best/worst days of my life for my confidence/self consciousness ever. Thank you, dirty construction worker, for reminding me of this memorable treasure of an experience.
Friday, June 5, 2009
-Hub from Second Hand Lions
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I decided I would gently catch it in my hands so that I could release it back into the wild. I was scared it was going to peck me but I really would have been upset if the idiot bird killed itself running into the closed window it was unsuccessfully attempting to escape through. It was buzzing like a giant beaky bee between the blinds and the glass.
Picking it up was probably the weirdest feeling ever. It didn't weigh a thing! It just felt like I was holding a pretty little bug with giant frightening wings. I was going to take it outside but then everyone whipped out their phones to take a picture. I felt so brave and in tune with nature. And then it escaped from my hands and smacked right back into the window.
So I caught it again. And I let it go outside with one grand sweeping graceful gesture. I felt like Pocahontas. And I'm really glad it didn't croak.
I caught a hummingbird with my BARE HANDS.
WITHOUT KILLING IT.
My life is now complete. Don't worry Mom, as soon as I let it go I went and washed my hands. And I thought of you.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I want to start spending my time more wisely. I gave a talk on Chapter 8 of Preach My Gospel today in church, and just reading it to prepare my talk blew my mind. There are so many things I could be doing with my time to be a more productive person. I think one of the most important lessons I have learned in this last year is that our time here on earth is precious, and through learning that and learning more about what I can be doing to serve the Lord in my every day life I've realized that I've been a major slacker. I don't want to be a slacker anymore!
I want to be healthier. I feel like I've taken my general health for granted my whole life. I'm so lucky to have a body that has been as healthy as it has been for as long as it has been, and I've treated it like crap from time to time. I'm not going to do that anymore. Even when I'm sick, I have so little to complain about compared to other people who have struggled with serious health issues their entire lives.
I want to be a happier person. In the last year, I have experienced some of the saddest and happiest days and moments of my life. I've finally realized that no matter WHAT is going on around me, I can choose to be happy. I have also learned that choosing to be happy is not just a state of mind, it requires action. Some days it will require more work to be happy than other days, but for every day of my life I can choose to be happy if I'm willing to work at it.
I want to do better in school. I'm going to have to train myself because I am the most skilled procrastinator you will ever meet in your entire life. I could be accomplishing so much more than I've ever attempted to do.
I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of life in general, or at least am learning how to be a grown up, slowly but surely.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
In the order that we thought it was:
Pancreatic Cancer (that was just me, for one day)
Pancreatitis (me again, for like 2 weeks)
Lymphoma (I know right?)
We have ruled out the above with a lot of blood tests, an ultra-sound, more blood tests, colonoscopy, endoscopy, biopsies, more blood tests, an MRI and much web-MDing on my own. Next week I get to have a CT scan (because they did actually find something funny on the MRI. Silly doctors. Always keeping you guessing) and a hida-scan (they are going to put dye into me and then watch my gallbladder try to contract for like an hour. Riveting. I know.)
We are leaning more toward my liver / gallbladder at this point. Which we should have been leaning toward the whole time.
Hopefully, the CT scan will show nothing and the hida-scan will show that my gallbladder sucks and then we can be done with this "House" season finale-esque adventure through my digestional tract.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Anyway, today I was trying to figure out where the word "embarrassed" came from. And this is what crossed my mind: "I'm bare-a$$ed"
It would totally make sense. I'm not going to look up the real roots because I just want to think that some crass "olde" english speaking individual invented the word.