Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Oh hey Ray J

First of all... why are there so many dirty nasty men in the world?

Second of all..... why do the worst of the worst get their own dating game shows? I saw a clip of one today.

Third of all, what kind of man hooks his potential girlfriends (as if the plural nature of the phrase "potential girlfriends" weren't bad enough) up to a polygraph?

Fourth of all, what exactly is the initial screening process for female contestants? I really don't think there is one. If there were, the girl questioned in the manner below would not have made it on. Hopefully.

One contestant answered "no" to all of the following questions:

"Do you have a current boyfriend?"

"Do you still do drugs?"      (Still?!?)

"Have you ever had a pimp?"       (asked in all seriousness)

She failed the polygraph test. Does it really matter which of those questions she was lying about?


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Avert Your Eyes

Apparently, I have laser beams for eyeballs.

I met a new boy today. He seemed pretty cool... EXCEPT... every time we made eye contact he started blinking uncontrollably. I seriously almost laughed in his face like 3 times.

What's a girl to do?

Obviously, he's just unaccustomed to viewing devastating beauties such as myself up close in real life.

Or I am Godzilla. One of the two.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Farmville is an institution of Satan."

A Video Zoo

That is what my blog has become, a crazy video zoo. But if I can share little gems like this with the world.....

Call me a chimp and throw me some popcorn.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


This is the quote of the decade.... and if it would translate as well into text maybe I would just type it. BUT its not so much what she says (which is mildly offesive)... it's the way she delivers the line that is priceless. This is a clip from the judge's room after a glee club competition. The choir she is talking about is from a school for the deaf.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Yoga Yoda Yada Yay

I did yoga with my roommates the other day. I was holding an inverted pose, and spontaneously drooled onto the folded blanket that I was using as a yoga mat. I told no one. But now I guess you know. Yoga is hard. But I liked it.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Word Vomit

Word vomit. It's what is going to make up the substance of this blog.

My life is average.

My GPA is below average.

Sometimes I walk through the frozen foods section of the grocery store, simply because I just haven't met you yet.

I have lived in Utah for 8.4 years and still have not mastered the art of negotiating snowy pathways. If the snow is hard and frozen on the ground I slip on it. If it is deep and fluffy snow, my feet get stuck in it and I trip. If its slushy, I slide around like I'm wearing ice skates. I'm not even talking about ice. Just regular snow. I cannot walk on snow of any type without selling my soul to the gravity gods in hopes of avoiding frictional failure.

Skinny blonde girls are the bane of my existence. Unless they are my friends.

I have a peculiar attraction to men with significant sideburns. Some day I may dedicate a whole blog to it. Where are you, my sideburned prince charming?

I can become a gooey emotional marshmallow at the drop of a hat, despite my devastating ability to B-slap you in the face with witty weaponized words.

I would rather take a multiple choice test that is 150 questions long than write a one-page essay as a final exam.

The tumbling gym in Provo smells like a wet dog wearing puppy shoes made out of onions. BUT. It makes for a great FHE activity.

The more active my dating life is, the less I weigh. Probably because I am an emotional eater. Otherwise, I lose about 5 pounds for every 2 dates I go on.

I keep having nightmares about heavily armed homeless people harassing me. As in, they throw huge axes at me like tomahawks and the such. How they can afford to buy and then throw away their weapons while living on the street is beyond me. I think these dreams reflect the guilt I feel when I don't help the needy, as well as my skepticism toward organizations that claim to help the needy when really they are just out to get your dolla dolla bills.

I don't blush. But when I am embarrassed my ears turn red and get really really hot. Like a Tasmanian Devil.

I have not done any Christmas shopping yet. It is December 16th.

I procrastinate doing my laundry until I have absolutely nothing left to wear. Then I do it all. I am currently wearing swimsuit bottoms under my jeans.

Nothing makes me laugh harder than video chatting with my sisters and morphing our voices until we sound like munchkins.

Ya, my life is average. And I love it.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Quote of the Day

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

- Theodore Roosevelt

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Quote of the Day

Boy: Wow that smells good.

Me: uh... What?

Boy: Uh...

Me: Did you just smell my jolly rancher?

Boy: ... Yes.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Quotes of the Day

"Westminster Abbey! ... The smelliest bathroom in the WORLD is in there.... and I've been to bathrooms in Mexico."

Me: "I'm like a 5 year old boy..."
Co-worker: "Well that explains why you're having trouble with classes. School would be hard for a 5 year old. Unless you are majoring in Legos and Arthur"

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Quote of the Day

"I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday I ate 9 cans of aerosol whipped cream."
-Sandy from Glee

Monday, November 30, 2009

Letters to Juliet

How many times did I just watch this trailer in a row, you ask? 5. In a row. That's a good 15 minutes of pure awesome. Watch it. Then we will discuss:

HOLY macaroni I want to see this so badddddd.

First of all, Italy is beautiful.

Second of all, references to Shakespeare are always appreciated. Do you think the old bard has had his temple work done? And do you think he accepted it? I hope so. I very much want to hang out with him some day in the great beyond and talk about human nature and the grand scheme of things. He's so witty. That was a tangent I did not expect but my mind is tired and I indulge its little quirks whilst blogging. ANNNNYway.

Third of all, old people make me really emotional. The part where she is just standing there and he rides up on his horse and Taylor Swift's "Love Story" is playing in the background... and then they just look at eachother. MAN. Goosebumps. Every. Stinking. Time. I can't even help it. I love love. I love old love. I love long lost old love being rekindled. I love young love appreciating old love. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. The word love looks mighty funny to my brain right now.

Fourth of all, "The greatest love story ever told is your own" flashes up on the screen, and at some point the young man is running somewhere urgently in formal wear and you just KNOW something big is about to go down. And there's the pretty little girl. And they just look at eachother.

End Scene.

There isn't much info up on IMDb yet, but one thing I do know it that doesn't come out until May 7th 2010. Looking at that date makes me feel like I would need a time machine to ever watch it, but really it's only 6 months away. I think it is so strange that we are in the twenty-tens almost. Where the freak is my robotic dog and flying car?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Oh no she Dih-ent.

I just got sassed by a customer service representative. That makes me BURNING mad. Do not get loud with me whilst you are telling me that you are going erase a fee as a ONE TIME COURTESY. I heard you the first time. And furthermore, it should be an EVERY time courtesy. I did not get loud with you. Don't try to tell me I KNEW you sneakily cancelled my automatic bill-pay to try to rack up some late fees. If you charge me a fee that I don't deserve, you better be clamouring to kiss up to me. I have been working in customer service for years. I know precisely how to make your life miserable. I will bring tears to your eyes.

I mean.

I would. If I weren't such a Christian woman.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sick Nasty.

I got crop dusted today. Twice. Not familiar with the term?

crop dusting. verb. definition: Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.

It is soooo much worse to get crop dusted when it is cold outside, because you can actually feel yourself passing through someone else's cloud. Woof.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Thank You

I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you to the man who had an "Elkaholic" decal on his cowboy truck.

I got a New way to Walk... (walk walk)...

Here's the thing about the world wide web. I can be thinking about Sesame Street for no good reason on a snowy Saturday afternoon, type the lyrics to my favorite Sesame Street song into Google, find an ancient clip of it on YouTube, and entertain myself with puppet pigs in sassy outfits for a good 5 minutes. We live in an amazing age.

I have thought about this clip many a time over the last umpteen years. No one else I have ever talked to besides my sisters remembers it, and I haven't seen it since I was really tiny. I am inordinately happy to have finally found it. Of all the hours of Sesame Street I have ever watched, I think this segment has influenced my cognitive development the most, for better or for worse. It is a catchy little song about walking with confidence and attitude, sung by the "Oinker Sisters" who are all decked out in 80's pop-star attire. This clip may have had something to do with my zesty attitude as a wee little lass. It also could have influenced my decision to ask my teacher Ms. Sally to write out that I was going to be a movie star when I grew up on my pre-school diploma. And I am certain that I walked and talked with more confidence than any 5 year old should ever possess. Whether I liked this clip because I was already sassy, or I liked being sassy as a result of this clip, the world may never know. Most likely it was a combination of nature vs. nurture as most development tends to be. Either way, these muppet pigs were my idols. You will not be sorry you watched this:

(5 dollars to whoever can determine what the intended nationality of the 'cowboy' music executive was... Irish? Scottish? Swedish?)

In case you missed it:

*None of these sassy pigs are wearing pig pants. Scandalous.

*Please notice the way they throw back their snouts in awesomeness after every phrase of the chorus.

*There is a fake mole on the lead singer's pig face, despite the fact that she has a very weird baby voice during the speaking part.

*I was always baffled by the way the pigs defied gravity by walking straight up one side of the giant "WALK" sign and then straight down the other side. How DID they do it? Amazing.

And yet, it never occurred to me that they were made of Muppet foam.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Quotes of the Day

Girl-talk makes me laugh. Especially when we talk about weird boys. Here is why:

"He and I... are finished. He is the meanest kid on the block."

"He needs a woman. A strange strange woman."

"I don't know. He is just a problem that will only be resolved by eliminating him."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Quote of the Day

" R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it MURDER. Not MUCK-DUCK."

"Criminals are like raccoons okay. You give them a little taste of cat food, and soon they're back for the whole cat."

- Dwight K. Schrute, my love.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Carrie Underwood Has An Unfortunate Name

Has anyone really ever heard or said her name without smirking? I can't help but think "HAA HAA Carrie UNDERWEAR" any time I see or hear her name. I slay myself. I know. I'm mature. But really though. She may as well have made her stage name Carrie Panties or Carrie Boxer-briefs. It makes me think of the way Cory always used to say "UNDEH PANTSSSS" on Boy Meets World. In fact. Lets watch that for a second....

Oh man. It never gets old. Anyway. I love Carrie Underwood (hee hee). I think she has a beautiful voice and she is a classy lady.

I am a picky music listener. A song must sound nice yes, but if it is lacking in the lyrics department I get tired of it really easily. On the other hand, I sometimes enjoy songs that are lacking in the melodious musical department because I am a sucker for a witty set of words. I think this explains my love affair with rap music. BUT. If a rap song has a sucky beat it is dead to me. On the mutant third hand, every now and then there comes along a special song with just the right combination of wit and musical integrity. Such songs are rare and I treasure them.

I have listened to Ms. Undehpants new album and I love love love a couple of her songs. Neither of them fall into the excellent third category of awesomeness, but they are fun. One of them is called Cowboy Casanova. It basically badmouths shady cowboys who are liars. For some crazy reason I enjoy that. I mean, somehow, on some absolutely mystifying level I indentify with that message. And the song is catchy. And it makes me want to buy a pair of cowboy boots for the express purpose of kicking cowboy casanovas where they deserve it. You may interpret that however you want. The back up dancers in the music video are kind of hoochtacular, so I have posted one of those ridiculous youtube audio-only "videos". But with LYRICS. And fancy colors.

A snake with blue eyes huh? Hmm. Who'da thunk. Innnnnnnteresting. Okay enough of that.

The other song of hers I love is called Quitter. It starts out sounding pretty cheesey, but the bridge and chorus just make me happy okay. OKAY?!!! No lyrics here, but you can just look at her pretty little face while you listen to it if you want. If you really hate it, before you judge me at least listen to the second verse. Starting at 1:25.

I don't think I have ever included 3 youtube videos in one post. Huzzah. Yay for the Tube of You. Hip Hip Hooray for technologay.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Quote of the Day

After wondering aloud if a certain boy was just trying to save me for a rainy day...

"You are sunny day material. Don't be any boy's rainy day."


Friday, November 6, 2009

Shocked and Appalled.

I cannot even believe this is real. Someone showed me this today and I seriously almost had a rage problem for a second. Elbows? Ya. Whatever. Slide tackles... they happen. But almost breaking someones neck with their own pony tail? I seriously sat there with my mouth open for like 5 minutes. We won. Put that in your pipe and smoke it you drunken witch.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Uh... She is weird. She cuddles with dead swans. Yah."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Its a Dangerous job....

I am like, the Henry the 8th of phone owners. My cellular devices often meet a cruelly undignified demise long before their normal life expectancy predicts. My retainer has been in service longer than my last 6 cell phones combined, and it has a far nastier job. Lets just take a little looksie at my phones of phonedom past and commiserate over their untimely entrance into that big Verizon store in the sky.

The first phone I ever destroyed was one of the earlier Samsung flip phones. It was silver, and had no outside display screen, camera or any other awesome features to speak of. EXCEPT.. it had a little red indicator light that would flash when I got a text message. I thought I was just so sneaky at school because I could carry on meaningless texting conversations during, YES DURING class. The phone I had just upgraded from was a nokia brick that vibrated like a jackhammer when it was on "silent" and caused electrical anomalies in surrounding devices any time any kind of message or call came to my phone. It was like it had an invisible tractor beam that hooked straight into a satellite. Needless to say, the little red indicator light on my new sleek flip phone was a cutting edge commodity.

One fateful day just outside of Jackson Hole, WY... I was camping with a YSA group next to the snake river. We got back from rafting the river that day and I for some unknown reason decided to put my phone back into my pocket, even though I didn't have service. There was a little creek next to our camp ground that fed into the river, and Holly P and I decided to go frolick in it before dinner time. Everyone else in camp was playing a rousing game of apples to apples at a picnic table near by. I rolled up my jeans as to not get them wet, and began wading around having a jolly good time. Out of no where, I stepped on a mossy rock and fell butt first into the creek. Who would have ever thought there would be a mossy rock at the bottom of a creek. Fat lot of good it did me to roll up my pants. Anyway. A roar of laughter erupted from the picnic table and I stood up slowly, only to find that when I fell I had landed on the swamp thing. Its smushed carcass was spread all over my bum. It looked like I sat in a pile of horse dooty. Holly had come over to help me up and I was laughing so hard that I lost my balance and fell into the creek AGAIN. More Laughter. More swamp nastiness. We made it to the bank and that is when I remembered that my beloved little phone was in my back pocket. It had fallen prey to the carnivorous swamp thing stuck to my behind. There would be no more laughter that day. FAIL.

There were two phones that croaked on their own behalf within the next year. They were faulty. THEY WERE FAULTY OKAY???

My next victim bought the farm after like 2 years of normal aging and a little, shall we say... negligence on my part. Basically, I would just drop it every day. It still totally worked so I was like hmm what the crap. I'll just keep on droppin it. It was a flip phone. One day, I casually dropped it on the ground and, being a flip phone, the top flap just up and fell off. It was still connected to the bottom half with a tiny little optical cable. It looked like Nearly Headless Nick. I very carefully snapped it back together and tada! ... It still worked. Being proud of my accomplishment I thought to myself, "Self, you are cool. I bet you could take it apart again and put it back together and it would STILL work".

Why, why did I tempt fate? I took it apart, but this time accidentally severed its little electrical spinal cord. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put it together again. Death by beheading.

The next phone I got was the LG chocolate. It was kewl. It played music and it was blue and it had a little slidy-outy number pad. I was pretty nice to this phone. I cherished it. But... not enough to pay for a real screen cover to keep it from being scratched. So I coated it in nail polish. It worked. Whatev. Don't judge. I had this phone for a good year before it entered into the dreaded watery grips of Davy Jones Locker. No, it didn't fall into the ocean. It slipped out of my hand while I was filling up the tub for a bubble bath. I seriously screamed NOOOOOOoooooooo(00000) like I had fallen off a cliff. I swear the little nugget screamed back at me for help from the bottom of the bubbly bathtub. My poor little poopsie. (little mermaid reference, not actual poo) I tried to salvage my cherished blue jewel of a phone for a couple days after the incident. Any time I tried to use the touch screen it had a vibrating seizure. It sounded like a dentist drill. It came time to just let go. I should have ceremoniously dropped it into a large body of water like the old lady did with the Heart of the Ocean. Maybe some day when I'm 80 and creepily barefoot and in a nightie on the deck of a ship in the middle of the Atlantic I'll do that. I'll let you know how it goes.

OMGosh so maybe I just went looking for a picture of that scene but somehow ended up spending a half hour looking at youtube montages of Jack and Rose. Woof.

The point of this whole post, is that I have yet again destroyed another phone in the most igmonius of circumstances. I had until yesterday a beautiful functional LG Venus. That phone and I had been through a lot together. Dozens, and I mean literally dozens of long tearful phone calls were made and received. It is a miracle it wasn't waterlogged just from regular phone usage in the last year. It was the closes thing I could find to my dearly beloved LG Chocolate. Ironically, it too suffered a watery death. You could say it went swimming with the fishies. And when I say "swimming" I mean it fell into a a toilet. And when I say "fishies" ... well. I will let your imagination take care of that one. Suffice it to say it has touched things insomuch that I would never press it to my face again. And yes I fished it out. What was I supposed to do? FLUSH? I was in a public bathroom in the JSB. I fished it out and threw it onto the stall floor and just stared at it. What just happened?? My phone touched WHAT? What was I supposed to do now???? I dried it off and washed my hands VIGOROUSLY. It was the perfectly appropriate end to a crappity crap crap weekend. But, I had places to go and tests to take so I just pretended like what had just happened, had not actually happened.

So there I am, studying for a midterm in the Testing Center when all of a sudden, something in my pocket feels warm. Toooooo warm. I pulled out my pee pee phone and it was hotter than lava. The "water" was shorting out the battery. It was making a sizling noise and the camera lense was all fogged up. Sick sick sick sick sickkkkk. For some reason it took me a while, but my mom finally convinced me it would be best to just throw it away. So I did. And when I say I threw it away, I mean I threw it out. And when I say threw it out, I mean I threw it out of my car window while I was driving. Sue me. I was flustrated. Intentional L.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Quote of the Day

"As long as his shoulders are wider than my hips....."

Quote of the Day

"...when a man and a woman fall in love they decide that they want to have a baby, then they send a letter to the baby headmaster requesting him to release a baby into their care, the headmaster deliberates and chooses a candidate baby that matches the needs of the man and woman and calls a stork and has it deliver the baby to the man and woman. Then there are other times that orders get mixed up and a baby gets delivered to the man and woman without them requesting it..."

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Quotes of the Day

"I'm lacking a burrito." - Said gravely by a boy picking up his food at Taco Bell

"...Last night my pinky got dipped into my burning hot scensy while I was trying to fall asleep. It was all sorts of surprise and awful." - Nicole

Monday, October 26, 2009

This Is Halloween.. this is halloween....

So, I was procrastinating cleaning my room and thought to myself, "self... you should look for costume ideas for halloween." So there I was, just browsin away at pictures of costumes and I see THIS:

Oh the horror. Tami. I'm Sorry. That probably ruined your life. Here... replace it in your brain with this image.

That is all. As you were.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Move Over, Swine Flu...

We have a far more dangerous and damaging epidemic on our hands amongst the male students at BYU. It is as vile and viral as they come. And yet, no one seems to be as concerned about it as I am. What is this mystery plague infecting our young men, you ask? Athlete's foot? Giardia? Leprosy? No. Worse:


Dirty, nasty, stringly, fluffy, crumby, mustaches. "Moustaches." Cookie dusters. Soup strainers. Misplaced eyebrows. Stalker 'staches. Face fungus.


This is my theory: BYU men are not allowed to grow beards. It's against the dress and grooming standards of the honor code. Therefore, they feel that mustaches are an appropriate outlet for expressing their manly capabilities to grow facial hair. They are sorely mistaken.

Mustaches make me want to hurl. And no. They don't look good on anyone. And I am not typically a hater of facial hair.
For example: Take an extremely good looking man. Add the following:

A goatee? Fine.

Sideburns? Excellent.

Manly scruffiness? Superb.

But a mustache?



You have made a beautiful man into an atrocity. Adding a weird patch of lip hair to a handsome face (or ANY face, for that matter) is a recipe for disaster. Lets take a look at the famous evil men in history who have rocked a mustache, shall we?


Sadam Hussein.

Captain Hook.

And basically, every sex offender that ever lived.

Need I go any further? I think not. Please, be responsible. Grow some sideburns. Forget to shave for a couple days. But I beg of you.... do not, under any circumstance, grow a mustache. The consequences are always severe.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Attention Deficit Disorder

I am sending murder vibes to everyone who is yackety yacking in the library right now. I'm in my favorite place to study, but I can't focus because it sounds like feeding time on monkey island. Once upon a time, the middle section of the main floor of the HBLL was a quiet, calm, lovely place to fill my brain with knowledge. NOW... it is covered with these signs:

And filled with chatty Cathys.


I wish that sign said.... "No BULL SHHHH! Zone"

This is not doing anything to boost my mood, which could use some substantial boosting considering the earlier events of today. Let us start from the very begining.

I was 10 minutes late to my favorite class this morning, and really, really sweaty after walking up the stairs and ramp south of campus. I had to scoot my sweaty self into one of the only open seats in the front row. The girl next to me had total poo breath and I wanted to pass away every time she moved. I really hope it was her breath...

After class I started to make my way from campus up to the Morris center for work, which is about a 10 minute walk. Its usually not too bad, but the skirt I was wearing insisted on scrunching and sliding northward whilst swirling around so that the zipper was all skiwampus and not in the center where it was supposed to be. I literally had to hold it in place all the way to the office. I probably looked like I was trying not to poo my pants. I was relieved to be able to sit down at work and relax.

Until. UNTILLLLLL.....

I felt like I wanted some chocolate milk. I love chocolate milk. It is delectable. We have it in our vending machine in the break room, and I was really excited to drink it. I bought some and as I made my way back to my desk I proceeded to shake it up. I hadn't even opened it yet, and out of nowhere the cap flew off and I sloshed chocolatey goodness all up all over myself as I sat down. It was in my hair. All over my desk. All over my face. All over my neck and down my shirt. All over my arms. All over the outside of my shirt. All over my work phone. All over my backpack. All over the cubicle. In my eyes. I looked like a chocolate swamp thing.

Trying not to draw any attention to myself, I got up and walked briskly to the bathroom, got some paper towels, dried my face off, and hurried back to my desk to clean it off before my computer shorted out from being covered with liquid chocolate.

I sopped up as much of the chocolate puddle on my desk as I could before anyone could see, but hours later I still had tell tale brown splotches all over myself. Like unto this one on my shoulder:

I wish the lighting in this picture were better so that you could see how much dried chocolate milk I had down the right side of my face and hair. (Your Left) It really doesn't do justice to my chocolatey dampness at all. Well, I mean, my clothes stayed wet but my hair definitely dried into a crunchy chocolate shell.

I totally just lost my train of thought. Oh yes. So after my milky mishap I sat in wet milky clothes for the rest of my shift. It was awesome. And when I say awesome, I mean that I smelled like a rotten fudgesicle.

I am in no mood for any late night library shenanigans. If the freshies behind me do not shut their yaps in a about 5 seconds, I am going to LOSE MY FREAKING MIND. Like Andy Bernard.

Also, I just found some more chocolate in my hair.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I know why they call it a fly...

They call it a fly because my pants have an unwavering tendency to FLY open when I walk. So, I had to tape them closed with scotch tape once I got to work. Not all my pants, just one pair of work pants. It sounds a little bit like I'm wearing a diapy when I move. In these days of health following a skinny summer, I have become somewhat more substantial in the area of my bodacious hips. I'm still fly, but my fly likes to fly.

Also, I saw this guy on campus and I had to take a picture of him....

Your eyes do not deceive you. He is wearing under armor, basketball shorts, khaki shorts, dress shoes, dress socks, and a backward winter coat. It was not even cold, and he is not allergic to the sun.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Friday, October 9, 2009

Quote of the Day

"He is triple-dog dead to me."


I just thought it was clever, okay?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I have overactive tear ducts.

Laughing hard makes me cry.

Church makes me cry.

Realizing how blessed I am makes me cry.

Being really happy makes me cry.

Going to the temple makes me cry.

Cute movies make me cry.

Cute songs make me cry.

Even silly boys make me cry.


Someone plug my eyes already.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Quote of the Day

While watching Mo-Tab during conference:

"oooh lets look for Sister [_____] . . . she has new teeth"

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Quote of the Day

I peed a little when I read Nicole's comment in regards to this picture that posted when I took a "which type of man suits you best blah blahblah something lame" quiz on facebook.....

"What the heck!? .... Is he gonna eat that baby for a snack?"


Friday, September 25, 2009

The Little Darling

I can only hope to have a kid so freaking hilarious and sassy. I love this child. How can I raise my kids to have accents?

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Never Been Kissed was on TV tonight. I love every single thing about the ending of this movie. Seriously. It gets me.... every. single. time. It doesn't matter how many times I see it. It makes my little heart want to explode. So I wanted to share. This is the first time I've been able to find both parts on youtube to be able to post it. I wish there were continuity because you really do need to watch both parts right next to each other. But whatever. Start here, and listen to the dialogue. Ya, it's long. Whatever. It's worth it:

OMG why did it have to stop there?? I know right.... Don't worry. I found Part Deux....

Okay so here's why I love it.

1. The boss man keeps saying "I've got weiners!" in the funniest excited voice ever.

2. Drew Barrymore actually looks cute for the first time in the whole movie.

3. I love Molly Shannon.

4. BEACH BOYS. "Don't Worry Baby" melts my heart. Seriously. I can't listen to that song without being sooooo happy.

5. When she drops the microphone my heart always stops and I get a little misty eyed. Every time.

6. When she realizes he showed up, her face is priceless.

7. I love that he JOGS out there, and then just walks straight up to her and kisses her without even saying anything, and the camera spins around as he does it and it is just so great.

8. I love that everyone starts kissing, but then the one girl totally has to hit the creeper with her purse.

9. "Sorry I'm late, it took me forever to get here...."

"I know what you mean."


I love it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I'm pretty sure I have the swine flu. And I'm not even being sarcastic. I've been kind of sick since last Friday, and really sick since late Sunday night. At first I just thought it was a cold, so I just went about my business being a social butterfly. Also, I become very snuggly when I'm sick. Like a teddy bear with smallpox. I apologize.

Anyway, last night I still felt super nasty... so my roommate and I looked up the swine flu symptoms and what not. They include: fever, cough, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Don't worry, because I have only experienced all of them. Yes, it could just be the regular flu, but I haven't been this sick with a cold for a long time. I didn't even get a cold last winter at all, so maybe its double duty this time.

So, we can approach this two ways.

First, I could quarantine myself and be super bored and miserable for the rest of the week.

OR. We could throw me a swine flu party. Anyone and everyone who loves me more than they value their own health is invited. We could have pigs in a blanket, ham sanwiches, bacon and the such. We could also watch Babe. I will do my hair in pigtails. It will be fab. Optional face masks would be provided. Don't pretend like you don't think it will be fun. I'm seriously considering it.

One question still remains in my mind... where did I catch the piggy flu? I'll tell you where. Because it just came to me. Last week, I was grocery shopping at Smith's and the checker in the line next to me was totally sick. He kept sneezing and being nasty. Also, he had a pony tail. Anyway. He sneezed a huge sneeze right next to me. THEN. I went home. When I got home I couldn't find my keys, so I went back to Smith's to ask if they had them in the lost and found. I talked to Mr. Ponytail, because he is old and funny and also nice. They didn't have my keys, so I went home and looked some more. The next day I went back to Smith's to see if they had been turned in. Again I was in the vicintity of Mr. Ponytail. And FINALLY... I went to Smith's AGAIN a couple days later to pick up some snacks for a work party. The Provo Smith's is a freaking petri dish. It all makes sense.

Call me if you want to be infected.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Well Hello There....

Michael Booble. I don't care what the correct pronunciation is. He's Michael Booble to me.
"Haven't met you yet" is such a happy little weird sounding song, but it gives me hope in this BYU world of dating I've somehow been swept up in lately.
I love this song. Someday I will look back on dating days and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. But for now, I find consolation in knowing Michael Booble just hasn't met me yet.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Quote of the Day

"... And just like all good research, they came up with a way to torture babies... "

-Dr. Busby, talking about a study on forming attachment.

I laughed, because his comment reminded me of this picture that they had up on the BYU homepage for a long time. It is from an actual BYU study of infants and their responsiveness to emotion in music. Poor widdle baby!

Monday, September 7, 2009

A Series of Wins and Fails

I saw three red Mustangs today and refrained from keying any of them. WIN.

My womb hurts like the dickens. And I don't even really know what the expression "like the dickens" means. FAIL.

I walked to the grocery store (how healthy of me) and bought mostly veggies and the such. WIN.

I had to load my purse with canned goods and heavy things on the way home because my bags started breaking: FAIL.

Although the jaunt home made me sweaty, I successfully returned to my apartment without experiencing massive plastic grocery bag failure. WIN.

I was waved at today by an ancient man toting around his pet chihuahua in the front "basket" of his modified gas powered lawn mower.... WIN WIN WIN.

He stopped and got out before I could get a picture of him (and his little dog, too) driving down the street. FAIL.

I saw a blonde mulleted middle aged man driving down University Avenue like he was this shiz in a rusty blue early nineties firebird with an open hood and a hot pink engine block. WIN?
Annnnnd... I have no idea where my keys are. I think I lost them somewhere walking home. FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

If he succeeded in being acquitted, is it really a FAIL?

There are no words capable of improving this. So I'm letting it be.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

August is Splendid.

There is about a 1 to 2 week lag between housing contracts in Provo. This creates a sort of ghost town, where all the apartments are empty and all the students still here are living out of their cars. Literally.
This leaves very little room for the transport of floaty toys on the way to the pool.

So... it just looks like we are driving around Provo wearing nothing but airmattresses. False. We are in our swimsuits. But it looks really funny.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

So I have blog-background changing ADD

Sue me.

Quote of the Day

"Did you just call me emo? Do I look emo? Am I wearing skinny jeans and converse and a shirt that says 'I want to kill myself'? "


Edumacation Week

Education Week = EFY for old people, minus the T-shirts and cheering, and hopefully minus the dances. Shudder.

During education week, BYU is FLOODED with old ladies and a few old men. This would be okay if it were confined to campus. But no. I went out to lunch yesterday to Zupas, which is my favorite place to eat lunch EVER... and there was a herd of grannies clogging up the line. And every granny was saving a spot in line for 5 of her granny girlfriends, and the tables all had purses and jackets put on them to save their spots. I love old ladies. They are fun. But NOT in quanities large enough to force this poor young man to share a table with 5 geriatric strangers.

The poor little lamb. Those ladies cut in front of me in line. 3 of them. And none of them knew what they wanted. And they kept asking to taste everything, and asking for extra non-fat poppyseed dressing... and on and on and on.
All I ever wanted was a turkey bacon avacado panini.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Getting to knowwww youuuu...

Answer these without fibbing!

1. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? My Retainer. Sexy.
2. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew? Why yes. Yes I have.
3. Where was your profile picture taken? Llama Fest '09
4. Who was the last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20? Nicole and Michelle
5. Can you play guitar hero? She's my... cherry pie...
6. Last time you walked further than a block? I walked to the grocery store last night.
7. Name someone that made you laugh today? My mom's quote on Tami's blog haha.
8. How late did you stay up last night and why? probably midnightish. I fell asleep in my clothes on my bed with the light on and everything. Weird.
9. If you could move somewhere else, would you? Right now? no. I hate moving.
10. Ever been kissed under fireworks? No and its starting to piss me off.
11. Do you believe exes can be friends? Umm.. I can't. Maybe some people can, but not me.
12. Do you like calling or texting better? I like talking a la telephone.
14. When was the last time you cried really hard? hmmm.... Probably June 31st.
15. Where is your biological father right now? Snoring in his bed in K-town.
16. Where are you right now? My Bed.
17. What bed did you sleep in last night? Mine no dur.
18. What was the last thing someone bought for you? Thai food!!! mmmmm.
19. Who took your profile picture? Matt Haggard?
20. Who was the last person you took a picture of? I don't even know.
21. Was yesterday better than today? Both days were excellent thank you.
22. Can you live a day without TV? Ya. I haven't watched TV for a long time.
23. Are you a bad influence? Not really. But it probably depends on who you ask.
24. What items could you not go without during the day? Deodorant. It just feels wrong to not wear any. And I guess clothes.
25. Would you share a drink with a stranger? Nope.
26. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? Mama Booth.
27. What does the last text message in your inbox say? I meant for there to be a comma after the need to
28. What are you wearing? Giant green pj pants with little fleur de lis all over them and a black tank top.
29. How many times have you been pulled over by the police? Uno.
30. If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find? Lame stuff.
31. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Ya. Weird.
32. What song is stuck in your head? The into to "Boston" by Augustana. Its pretty!
33. Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be? First of all, there will be no knocking. My bed is right by my window and that would creep me out. Maybe they could throw a pebble. Second of all, it would be some boy who realized that he was in love with me in the middle of the night and couldn't wait to tell me.
34. Who was your last missed call on your phone? Mike.
35. Can you handle the truth? Usually not. But if you lie to me there will be hell to pay.
36. What was the last book you read? The BOM
37. Is there something you always wear? Eyeliner.
38. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes
39. What's something that can always make you feel better? Junk fooooood!
40. What do you want right now? The ability to turn back time, so that I could get to bed before midnight.
41. Look behind you, what do you see? A yellow wall.
42. Have you ever worked in a food place? Coldstone Icecream. I gained like 12 delicious pounds in the first 2 months.
43. Could you answer all of these questions honestly? yes!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I loooove pooping in the shower.

Oh wait. No, no I do not enjoy doing that. But I loooooove coming home from Disneyland and seeing that the new home owners rearranged my room for me.

They were even nice enough to tell me where they hid my bedding.

And I am especially excited to be able to cook my food in the uninstalled oven which is in the living room. After I take it out of the unplugged fridge. Which is also in the living room. Next to my washer and dryer.

But the very best thing of all, is the fact that there are no blinds up in my whooole apartment. So I have to army crawl if I'm not dressed before the sun comes up. Joy. Boundless joy.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Quote of my LIFE

I'll give you one guess as to who said it.

"The ball is in HIS court to ask me out.... He is so ugly now. And I love it. Really though."

Friday, August 7, 2009

Quotes of the Vacation

We went on a family road trip this last week to Disneyland. Here are a few quotable gems from the ordeal:

"Dude I would have HATED vietnam. Little kids would shine your shoes and put bombs in 'em."

"What does BONO sing?"

"Where is my Coke? (serious face) NO GAMES!"

"I had a dream mom was doing cartwheels and smoking weed. And she wouldn't give me any!"

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Swing Swing (from the tangles of my heart)

Behold: I have created a masterpiece.

Do not be jealous of my swing. It only took me 4 attempts over the course of 2 months to perfect it. I refuse to swing on a wobbly swing. Also, throwing the rope over the branch was both more difficult and more dangerous than I had initially surmised. A stick hit me directly in the eyeball. And alllll sorts of tree debris and what not found its way down my shirt. But I emerged victorious. You are all welcome to swing. But be warned... if you vandalize my swing I will vandalize your face. That is all.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dirty dirty

Dear dirty pervert,

You have a gross mustache, and you are short. I was just trying to be polite by saying "hi" in passing. Didn't your mother ever teach you that it is impolite to stare? Especially if you link the awkwardly prolonged eye contact with an inquiry as to an individuals price. I am not a hooker. Do not ask me "how much" I am. Do not circle me like a buzzard as I walk by. And get your hand off your dirty goatee encrusted chin. Pull that shh again and I will destroy your manhood.



Sunday, July 26, 2009


Lets talk about singles wards in Provo, shall we? My ward is awesome. There are a ton of nice girls and a bunch of non-lame guys. I like my ward a ton. And we get to meet in this cute little building!

That being said. Lets talk about the intricacies of seating in the chapel of a singles ward. In the BYU dating world, where you sit during church often flags your avaiability to prospective daters. As lame as it sounds, it is kind of true. Let me enlighten you:
  • If you are sitting by only your roommates, you are not dating anyone in the ward.
  • If one boy is sitting with you and your roommates, you are either engaged to that boy, or you are just friends with that boy. Easily determined by the presence of an engagement ring.
  • If you are sitting by your roommates and several boys, you MAY be casually dating one of those boys.
  • If you are sitting by boys and NOT by your roommate, you are either A) not friends with your roommate or B) you are dating one of those boys.
  • And finally, if you are a girl, sitting by a boy and all of his roommates, without an of your roommates, and the boy has his arm around you, you are exclusively dating that boy, and any other guy who tries to date you will have to deal with the said boy AND his roommates.


If I am not dating you, do not surround me with your roommates and/or put your arm around me for any period of time during Sacrament Meeting. You just took me off the market without my consent. Not cool. But you did smell good, and you are really good looking, so whatever.

That is all.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Cha cha cha channges.

Someone at work was looking at my blog. And I walked by. And I saw this:

Now. People who know me realize that I am not a creepy cat lady, nor do I enjoy dressing and posing my pets for glamour shots. HOWEVER. If someone who didn't know me chanced to come across my page, they may come to that conclusion based on both the background and the sexypeople-blog dog. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea. Hence the change. That is all. As you were.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Quote of the Day

"He's smug. And he is hairy."

- Brittany

Upon my asking for some really good reasons not to have a crush on someone. Thank you for bringing me back down to earth with these extremely valid points.

Monday, July 20, 2009


A glamour shot of a dog, with lazy eyes, dressed as Daniel Boone, posing on a teddy bear, presumably substituted for a bear skin rug, with a toy gun. IT DOES NOT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.


Go there. Glamour shots galore.

I HEART Christina Aguilera

Okay hear me out. Here's why:

1. She has an amazing voice. She's a tiny little girl. She's only 5'1'' and probably 115 pounds at most, but her voice is huge. Okay ya, so these guys are huge, but she is still super tiny!
I'm going to venture to say that I enjoy listening to Christina Aguilera belt it out over Mariah Carey. She's tied in my mind with Whitney in her prime. That girl has a set of pipes on her.

2. She married the dorkiest looking man ever. I mean come on.

He's super white and has a big nose and huge ears. And she is absolutely gaga over him. Yes. She is a hooch and is very free with her sexuality and can be extremely vulgar. But.. I'm going to go ahead and say there are tons and tons of extremely hot men who would marry her in a heartbeat. She married her husband because she loves him. She couldn't have married him for money, because seriously who makes more money than her? Maybe P. Diddy. I love real love. And I bet they will stay together for a long time if not forever.

3. This song and music video have entertained me endlessly for the last few days. I love it. Just try not to listen to the words very carefully. I couldn't embed the clean version, so just follow the link.

(Disclaimer... she is immodest. She's Christina Aguilera for crying out loud. Also, do not try to read her lips when they edit out the words. kthxbai.)


Okay so how cute is that music video?


I'm in love! I'm in love with Christina Aguilera and I don't care who knows it!

Friday, July 17, 2009

So lets talk about my body.

It keeps shrinking. As in, it shrunk. A ton. And then levelled off. And now it is shrinking yet again. For the record, I went to the gym for like a half hour on wednesday, but that could not possibly account for the 5 pounds that have mysteriously vanished in the last WEEK. Oh wait did I type that wrong? No. That was correct. 5 pounds in one WEEEEEK.

And Dearest Mystery (stress induced?) Illness... If you even THINK about coming back and riddling my body with pain I will sucker punch you in the face.

I have been doing really well for the last month. The doctor thinks I just have some weird condition where my bile ducts spasm when I eat. There is no disease linked to the condition, its just caused sometimes by stress. So I've been taking meds every time I eat to relax my little tummy and that has been working just fine. It has been glorious. I have been eating like a normal person and I even gained a couple pounds back! Until last week, that is.

Dare I even say it? Yes. I dare. I weigh in at a nice robust 150 pounds these days. Normal. Average. I mean I've still got junk in my trunk but I'm not complaining. Its just so weird. That's only 15 pounds over what I weighed when my driver's lisence was issued at the tender age of 16.

In contrast, 150 pounds is definitely 45 pounds less than what I weighed exactly one year ago. AND I AM NOT COMPLAINING. Seriously though. Its strange.

Also, I decided I wear too much makeup. Its summer time for crying out loud. There is no need. That is all.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I feel ya, Robbie Hart.

I just love The Wedding Singer.

I know the feeling.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


See what I did there? I made the title of this post "blog" but instead I spelled it so that it included the word "blah" ... I'm so clever.

I'm in a serious blogging rut. There are far too few things in the world to appropriately make fun of right now.

Michael Jackson??

Too soon.

Daniel Radcliffe??
Too easy.

What's a blogger to do?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Quotes of the Day

"Hi my name is Bo..... B-O..."

"And today we learned that Kristin will lick anything."

"But he doesn't make me want to barf! Wait, but he DOES make me want to barf."

"In the next couple days, I will be crossing some boundaries."

Sometimes It Seems Impossible

Sometimes it seems impossible, and that's why we pray.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


I don't really know how I have managed to avoid it all these years, seeing as how it has been a staple in every respectable chick flick collection since it was released, but I watched Dirty Dancing for the very first time last night. I was having a movie night with my neighbor, who hadn't seen it before either. Sometimes I just hate 80s movies, so I was really excited when I realized it was supposed to be set in the 60s. I think with a few changes I could have fallen in love with it, but it didn't quite live up to all the hype and it definitely fell short of its potential to be christened one of my favorite movies of all time.

I'm not quite sure what I was expecting, but there was dancing, and boy was it dirty. So many crotches. Sooooooo many crotches. I know right? Apparently its called "Dirty Dancing" for a reason. Who knew.

I loved the music on the soundtrack. I love oldies. But unfortunately, as mesmerizing as it is, "Time of My Life" does not even remotely sound like it could have been recorded in the 60s. Way to screw up the movie magic of a distant past, crazy directors of the 80s.

I used to think Kimmy Gibbler was a creep for trying to will DJ's Patrick Swayze poster to fall off the ceiling and onto her lips. I think I know now where she's coming from. That man is a FOX.

I love that jennifer Grey has frizzy hair, a real nose (at least she did when they filmed it) and sounds like she has braces on her bottom teeth. She's awkward and I like it.
As glorious as the ending is in all its 80s splendor, I just don't buy that her dad enjoyed watching his "Baby" freak dance with a greasy man in a leather jacket. At least I really, really hope not.

Monday, June 22, 2009


I left my scriptures, toothpaste, and deodorant at my house in K-town. I don't even know what to do with myself.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It is reallllly slow at work right now...

So maybe I have been leisurely browsing wedding gowns? I can only read celebrity gossip for so long. Anyway. I found the most beautiful dress my eyes have ever beheld. Here's the link.. its just too good to cheapen with a low-quality blog-sized photo.

Yes. It would need to be modified, but alterations are my forte. It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
P.S. Don't even ask that question. The answer is no. I am extremely single.

Pet Peeve

I am severely underimpressed with guys who try really hard to impress girls with their guitar skills. It is one thing to share your talents. It is another thing to try to woo every passing female with your talents. Especially, say, in an office setting. That is all.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Sometimes I wonder if I am mentally retarded, and I just don't know it because no one is telling me."

The Girl All the Bad Guys Want

Does anyone remember that song by Bowling for Soup? It is epic. Well, I was reminded of its existence this morning when I got hollered at by a construction worker on my way to the office. Let's revisit the one of the best / worst days of gym class during my sophomore year of high school. Come along with me, on a magical journey.

(cue the wiggly screen and dream sequence harp music)

Once upon a time at dear old Davis High School, I had to take "fit for life"... You know. The gym class lovingly referred to as "fit for death" and "run for you life" by all the ill fated underclassman who abandoned hope, all those who entered the field house.

I rarely ever wore shorts to gym class, because I was ashamed of my white legs and bodacious hips. But one week toward the end of the school year it was soo blazingly hotter than hades that I had no choice.

Most of our class time this fateful day was spent out on the track. We had a scheduled 25 minute run during which we were not allowed to stop to walk or take a rest. Jogging for 25 minutes? Anyone who knows me knows that this is not my style. I would rather exercise by riding a bike or playing sports. I truly believe that running is only good for running for your life, so I try to avoid it at all costs. My fastest mile run on record in the history of the world was 9 minutes flat, even as a spry young 8th grader. You can imagine the kind of mood I was already in when minute 15 rolled around.

My pace was always crazy slow and I rarely jogged along side anyone else. So there I was, just trudging away on the track in my seldom worn gym shorts all by my white self when I heard a raucous group of boys coming up behind me. They were lapping me for the 2nd time. Right as they passed me the ring leader of the idiot troop asked in a less than subtle voice:

"Who is that girl?! .... Look at her butt jiggle!"

I kid you not. This was not a kid I had ever been fond of, EVER, because he bullied shy awkward people. Even shy awkward adults and old people. I gave him a piece of my mind probably once a week, but this time I was seriously dumb founded. By the time I thought of something equally rude to say to him he was already 50 yards in front of me, and I'd be darned if I started sprinting to say even one word to the jerk. So I just let it pass.

I kept on running for the rest of the period and tried to will my bum to stop jiggling, but to no avail. I went in to the locker room and changed back into my regular clothes after class as always, but this time I was very aware of my bodily imperfections. After I changed I didn't try very hard to redo my makeup or fix my hair because the self confidence gods were already frowning on me that day. Frowning and shooting spit wads.

Defeated and thirsty, I quickly walked out of the locker room into the commons room in the "old" Davis High building to get a drink. Unluckily for me, I was going to have to walk straight through a clearing in the commons area most commonly inhabited by the most obnoxious senior guys ever, because they had long ago dibsed ALL the benches around the drinking fountain for themselves.

(Pause dream sequence... wiggly picture, harp music)

Back to the song. It's crucial to the ending of this story. Please take a moment to view the music video, courtesy the Tube of You (and the weird kid who decided to add the lyrics. Whatever. It suits my purpose magnificently.)

And it really isn't a fake video, it just takes a second to start.

Anyway. Now that the lyrics are fresh in your head. I'll finish my story.

(Resume dream sequence.)

So there I was, a single girl bravely taking a risky walk through a room filled with jack-aces. Most of the girls were still in the locker room because they were trying to un-sweaty themselves, but there were plenty of guys lined up against the walls everywhere. As I passed through this gauntlet of self consciousness toward the drinking fountain, it got really quiet, and some guy dramatically belted out the following words:

"... And when she waaaaaaalks.... all the wind blows annnnd the Angels Siiiiingggg......!!!"

But no one laughed or made any kind of negative comment about my posterior. I finished getting my drink and walked away, my head a little higher than it had been on the way out of the locker room. If ever there were a confidence booster, that was the best one I had ever heard.

And so, it was one of the best/worst days of my life for my confidence/self consciousness ever. Thank you, dirty construction worker, for reminding me of this memorable treasure of an experience.

Friday, June 5, 2009

(Movie) Quote of the Day

"I've fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I've seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I've won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men and loved only one woman with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand."

-Hub from Second Hand Lions

I don't know. I just like the way that on the list of his many manly attributes, the final and most prized of his accomplishments is the fact that he has only loved one woman even though he is a tough old geezer. That's all.

Sunday, May 31, 2009


So. Maybe a humming bird flew into my neighbor's apartment today. All the females in the vicinity immediately kind of squealed or screamed while the one guy that was there just calmly said: "There is a hummingbird in your house."

I decided I would gently catch it in my hands so that I could release it back into the wild. I was scared it was going to peck me but I really would have been upset if the idiot bird killed itself running into the closed window it was unsuccessfully attempting to escape through. It was buzzing like a giant beaky bee between the blinds and the glass.

Picking it up was probably the weirdest feeling ever. It didn't weigh a thing! It just felt like I was holding a pretty little bug with giant frightening wings. I was going to take it outside but then everyone whipped out their phones to take a picture. I felt so brave and in tune with nature. And then it escaped from my hands and smacked right back into the window.

So I caught it again. And I let it go outside with one grand sweeping graceful gesture. I felt like Pocahontas. And I'm really glad it didn't croak.

I caught a hummingbird with my BARE HANDS.



My life is now complete. Don't worry Mom, as soon as I let it go I went and washed my hands. And I thought of you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Quote of the Day

In a text message from my dear mother:

"Don't feed Ozzy. He has diarrhea. And don't touch the towel in the family room."

Quote of the Day

"Next time you are cancerous, I would appreciate a phone call."

Sunday, May 24, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

Who says resolutions can only be made at the begining of January? I was born in May. I just turned 22. So for my 23rd year of life I decided to make some new year's resolutions.

I want to start spending my time more wisely. I gave a talk on Chapter 8 of Preach My Gospel today in church, and just reading it to prepare my talk blew my mind. There are so many things I could be doing with my time to be a more productive person. I think one of the most important lessons I have learned in this last year is that our time here on earth is precious, and through learning that and learning more about what I can be doing to serve the Lord in my every day life I've realized that I've been a major slacker. I don't want to be a slacker anymore!

I want to be healthier. I feel like I've taken my general health for granted my whole life. I'm so lucky to have a body that has been as healthy as it has been for as long as it has been, and I've treated it like crap from time to time. I'm not going to do that anymore. Even when I'm sick, I have so little to complain about compared to other people who have struggled with serious health issues their entire lives.

I want to be a happier person. In the last year, I have experienced some of the saddest and happiest days and moments of my life. I've finally realized that no matter WHAT is going on around me, I can choose to be happy. I have also learned that choosing to be happy is not just a state of mind, it requires action. Some days it will require more work to be happy than other days, but for every day of my life I can choose to be happy if I'm willing to work at it.

I want to do better in school. I'm going to have to train myself because I am the most skilled procrastinator you will ever meet in your entire life. I could be accomplishing so much more than I've ever attempted to do.

I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of life in general, or at least am learning how to be a grown up, slowly but surely.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Joke / Quote of the Day

What are the two dirtiest animals on the farm?

Brown chicken brown cowwww.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What It Isn't

Yes. I am still sick. And they have run a myriad of tests on me and we still can't quite pin-point it. So we are running more tests next week. I just want to take this opportunity to express my thanks for what we know it is NOT..

In the order that we thought it was:

Pancreatic Cancer (that was just me, for one day)
Pancreatitis (me again, for like 2 weeks)
H. Pylori
Colon Problems
Lymphoma (I know right?)

We have ruled out the above with a lot of blood tests, an ultra-sound, more blood tests, colonoscopy, endoscopy, biopsies, more blood tests, an MRI and much web-MDing on my own. Next week I get to have a CT scan (because they did actually find something funny on the MRI. Silly doctors. Always keeping you guessing) and a hida-scan (they are going to put dye into me and then watch my gallbladder try to contract for like an hour. Riveting. I know.)

We are leaning more toward my liver / gallbladder at this point. Which we should have been leaning toward the whole time.

Hopefully, the CT scan will show nothing and the hida-scan will show that my gallbladder sucks and then we can be done with this "House" season finale-esque adventure through my digestional tract.

End scene.

DEAD line. Really?

I just find this announcement on my work's website very ironic. It makes me wonder if the tech guy in charge of posting the pictures was trying to make a funny. A sad, inappropriate funny. Oh Will.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Quote of the Day

"I had a problem keeping my face away from your face."

Thursday, May 14, 2009


So, having taken French in high school, and learning about cognates and their roots and blah blah blah I have since been way interested in the etymology of words. Especially how certain words are related.... like... yesterday I was trying to type the word "lady" but forgot the y, and lo and behold I had the word lad. Lad and Lady. Male and female. Related. WEIRD. NERD.

Anyway, today I was trying to figure out where the word "embarrassed" came from. And this is what crossed my mind: "I'm bare-a$$ed"

It would totally make sense. I'm not going to look up the real roots because I just want to think that some crass "olde" english speaking individual invented the word.