Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dirty dirty

Dear dirty pervert,

You have a gross mustache, and you are short. I was just trying to be polite by saying "hi" in passing. Didn't your mother ever teach you that it is impolite to stare? Especially if you link the awkwardly prolonged eye contact with an inquiry as to an individuals price. I am not a hooker. Do not ask me "how much" I am. Do not circle me like a buzzard as I walk by. And get your hand off your dirty goatee encrusted chin. Pull that shh again and I will destroy your manhood.



Sunday, July 26, 2009


Lets talk about singles wards in Provo, shall we? My ward is awesome. There are a ton of nice girls and a bunch of non-lame guys. I like my ward a ton. And we get to meet in this cute little building!

That being said. Lets talk about the intricacies of seating in the chapel of a singles ward. In the BYU dating world, where you sit during church often flags your avaiability to prospective daters. As lame as it sounds, it is kind of true. Let me enlighten you:
  • If you are sitting by only your roommates, you are not dating anyone in the ward.
  • If one boy is sitting with you and your roommates, you are either engaged to that boy, or you are just friends with that boy. Easily determined by the presence of an engagement ring.
  • If you are sitting by your roommates and several boys, you MAY be casually dating one of those boys.
  • If you are sitting by boys and NOT by your roommate, you are either A) not friends with your roommate or B) you are dating one of those boys.
  • And finally, if you are a girl, sitting by a boy and all of his roommates, without an of your roommates, and the boy has his arm around you, you are exclusively dating that boy, and any other guy who tries to date you will have to deal with the said boy AND his roommates.


If I am not dating you, do not surround me with your roommates and/or put your arm around me for any period of time during Sacrament Meeting. You just took me off the market without my consent. Not cool. But you did smell good, and you are really good looking, so whatever.

That is all.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Cha cha cha channges.

Someone at work was looking at my blog. And I walked by. And I saw this:

Now. People who know me realize that I am not a creepy cat lady, nor do I enjoy dressing and posing my pets for glamour shots. HOWEVER. If someone who didn't know me chanced to come across my page, they may come to that conclusion based on both the background and the sexypeople-blog dog. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea. Hence the change. That is all. As you were.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Quote of the Day

"He's smug. And he is hairy."

- Brittany

Upon my asking for some really good reasons not to have a crush on someone. Thank you for bringing me back down to earth with these extremely valid points.

Monday, July 20, 2009


A glamour shot of a dog, with lazy eyes, dressed as Daniel Boone, posing on a teddy bear, presumably substituted for a bear skin rug, with a toy gun. IT DOES NOT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.


Go there. Glamour shots galore.

I HEART Christina Aguilera

Okay hear me out. Here's why:

1. She has an amazing voice. She's a tiny little girl. She's only 5'1'' and probably 115 pounds at most, but her voice is huge. Okay ya, so these guys are huge, but she is still super tiny!
I'm going to venture to say that I enjoy listening to Christina Aguilera belt it out over Mariah Carey. She's tied in my mind with Whitney in her prime. That girl has a set of pipes on her.

2. She married the dorkiest looking man ever. I mean come on.

He's super white and has a big nose and huge ears. And she is absolutely gaga over him. Yes. She is a hooch and is very free with her sexuality and can be extremely vulgar. But.. I'm going to go ahead and say there are tons and tons of extremely hot men who would marry her in a heartbeat. She married her husband because she loves him. She couldn't have married him for money, because seriously who makes more money than her? Maybe P. Diddy. I love real love. And I bet they will stay together for a long time if not forever.

3. This song and music video have entertained me endlessly for the last few days. I love it. Just try not to listen to the words very carefully. I couldn't embed the clean version, so just follow the link.

(Disclaimer... she is immodest. She's Christina Aguilera for crying out loud. Also, do not try to read her lips when they edit out the words. kthxbai.)


Okay so how cute is that music video?


I'm in love! I'm in love with Christina Aguilera and I don't care who knows it!

Friday, July 17, 2009

So lets talk about my body.

It keeps shrinking. As in, it shrunk. A ton. And then levelled off. And now it is shrinking yet again. For the record, I went to the gym for like a half hour on wednesday, but that could not possibly account for the 5 pounds that have mysteriously vanished in the last WEEK. Oh wait did I type that wrong? No. That was correct. 5 pounds in one WEEEEEK.

And Dearest Mystery (stress induced?) Illness... If you even THINK about coming back and riddling my body with pain I will sucker punch you in the face.

I have been doing really well for the last month. The doctor thinks I just have some weird condition where my bile ducts spasm when I eat. There is no disease linked to the condition, its just caused sometimes by stress. So I've been taking meds every time I eat to relax my little tummy and that has been working just fine. It has been glorious. I have been eating like a normal person and I even gained a couple pounds back! Until last week, that is.

Dare I even say it? Yes. I dare. I weigh in at a nice robust 150 pounds these days. Normal. Average. I mean I've still got junk in my trunk but I'm not complaining. Its just so weird. That's only 15 pounds over what I weighed when my driver's lisence was issued at the tender age of 16.

In contrast, 150 pounds is definitely 45 pounds less than what I weighed exactly one year ago. AND I AM NOT COMPLAINING. Seriously though. Its strange.

Also, I decided I wear too much makeup. Its summer time for crying out loud. There is no need. That is all.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I feel ya, Robbie Hart.

I just love The Wedding Singer.

I know the feeling.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


See what I did there? I made the title of this post "blog" but instead I spelled it so that it included the word "blah" ... I'm so clever.

I'm in a serious blogging rut. There are far too few things in the world to appropriately make fun of right now.

Michael Jackson??

Too soon.

Daniel Radcliffe??
Too easy.

What's a blogger to do?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Quotes of the Day

"Hi my name is Bo..... B-O..."

"And today we learned that Kristin will lick anything."

"But he doesn't make me want to barf! Wait, but he DOES make me want to barf."

"In the next couple days, I will be crossing some boundaries."

Sometimes It Seems Impossible

Sometimes it seems impossible, and that's why we pray.