Tuesday, December 13, 2011

This actually wasn't on the list of things I need to blog about....

Big Truck

At one point on the freeway today, I was surrounded by 4 or 5 huger-than-necessary trucks. At first I was disgusted.... but rather than continue to judge the likely wasteful and lamesauce drivers... I began to imagine what those huge trucks might actually be needed for. I came up with the following list of legitimate reasons to own a HUGE arse truck. All other excuses are bull crap.

Huge truck legitimacy:

1. The driver is literally 8 or 9 feet tall. I wouldn't judge Yao if he stepped out of one of those.

2. The driver lives on a farm and uses the truck to do farm-like activities such as hauling huge quantities of hay, or maybe a small livestock trailer. I support agrarian America.

3. The driver has invested heavily (get it?) in gold bars, and, not trusting anyone, routinely re-hides his stash of gold in various locations to keep it safe. It takes a big truck to move that much gold that regularly. (Ron Swanson?)

4. The driver has recently adopted a baby elephant with significant medical issues, and must use his huge truck as a means of taking the giant pup to and from doctor visits. Bless his heart.

5. The driver made that truck himself, for free, and it happens to run on fairy dust, which is also free and doesn't pollute the planet.

6. The driver owns a large sea vessel that can only be towed with an gargantuan vehicle. Like a Spanish-galleon sized vessel.

7. The driver is very, very short and has a rare medical condition which requires him to drive standing up.

8. The driver is an avid civil-war reenacter who owns a few cannons and likes to take them out on the town every now and then.

That's all I got. I'm going to go out on a limb and say my freeway-mates don't fall into any of those categories. But... imagining a baby elephant in the back of one of them kept me from hating them all while I drove. So... it's fine.

Note: your truck probably shouldn't look bigger than your house. Ever.

It's been really difficult for me to refrain from using a certain word in this post. It rhymes with "swoosh-bag" ... I'm tempted... but I'm really trying to quit. Anyway, those are classic swoosh-bag tires.

The homey driving is wearing white sunglasses. The mark of the swoosh. Ps forget his license plate number...

I'm sorry... is that a tiny bass boat? Ya............................................. No.

It's sad. k BYE.


  1. I have white sunglasses . . . and the vehicle I ride in is about 40 feet long . . . please don't judge me too harshly.

  2. Yeah...your url is totally different. Weird? That's why it hasn't been updating and I have been missing all of your GEMS of wisdom. Boo.


    # 1,4 and 7 were my favorite.

  4. lifted dualies are obviously useless and silly, lifted trucks that never leave the tarmac (pavement princess) are useless and in most cases chug gas and wouldn't make it a mile off road before something broke. but... lowered trucks and cars are even worse in my opinion, not only do they look like they got in the way of a road roller but they ride terribly, are owned by road raged idiots, and cant make it over speed bumps. where i live most people own 4x4 trucks large tires and usually lifts. because the camrys cant make it out of the driveway. the more ambitious of us who off-road build our trucks from the ground up with a budget of less than 6k so not so expensive as you’d think. “lift as much as needed, but as little as possible"