My organs talk a ton of shh about me behind my back...

Something somewhat significant happened about 3 months ago: I was diagnosed with PCOS, a disease that makes it pretty much impossible for my body to use carbs for energy.

Weird, but big whoop, right? Carbs shmarbs.

WRONG. MEGA BIG PROBLEM.

Unbeknownst to me, THIS is what I my metabolism was going through on a daily basis:

Brain: Wakey wakey. Time to fuel the body for the day. I'm going to tell Kristin to eat some healthy foods, and maybe some whole grain baked goods. 

Stomach: Me hungry. Nom nom nom.

Pancreas: I sense an increase in blood glucose. I shall commence releasing insulin to convert this sugar into cell-food, because I am an extremely efficient and useful member of this team.

Brain: Thanks pancreas. You're my favorite organ. 

Ovaries: Excuse me? Why am I never invited to these metabolism functions? I'm going to release some totally unnecessary hormones. Have fun sorting that out, you elitist flock of biotches.

Stupid Hormones: I don't know why I'm here. Tra-lala la laaaaa.

Bloodstream: These chemicals be crazy up in here.

Cells: What's happening out there? I'm confused. I'm not opening up my food doors. I feel like everyone's fighting. I'm sensitive. 

Pancreas: Wait what? The cells aren't eating? This cannot be. They LOVE eating. I must not have released enough insulin to sufficiently break down the sugar for them. I'm ashamed of my failure. No one can know about this. I MUST TRY HARDER. *Insulin Insulin Insulin*

Stupid Hormones: Derp der-derrrr.

Cells: Pancreas... chill out. You are being very pushy right now. I just don't feel good about this, okay?

Pancreas: TAKE THE BLOOD SUGAR, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BUNDLE OF MOLECULES.

Cells: Omgosh fine. But I'm only taking a little bit. And I hate you.

Bloodstream: These nutrients need to back up off me. They're just bopping around in here forever like this is their home. But guess what? This is MY house. Time to send them down to fatty town. POW.

Fat Deposits: Yes, my little nutrients. Join our fold. This is where you belong. Welcome. 

Cells: I'm tired. No one appreciates me. No one cares how I feel. It takes all my energy just to EXIST in this relationship. I'm taking a nap. Leave me alone for the rest of my life. We're through. 

Brain: Ooookay. The cells are getting cranky... They must not have eaten anything. Kristin didn't consume  enough nutrients and carbohydrates to go around. Stomach: reawaken.

Stomach: ME WANT MOOOOOARRRRR.

Pancreas: I'm on it. 

And on and on it went. Always hungry. Always tired. Everything I ate got turned into fat. 

Lest you think I made all this up as an excuse for being flabby and eating with the ferocity of a veloceraptor, I now take some serious diabetes medication to fix my metabolism. And I'm not diabetic. And it doesn't kill me. So there. 

P.S. .... that just reminded me of the scariest movie moment of my childhood:

The Queen of Freetail

You know. Instead of Retail? Ya. Catchy. I'm super clever.

You GUYS. Here is what is happening in my life right this instant/in the recent past:

1. I graduated college.
2. I therefore lost my student job.
3. I found a new job in Salt Lake.
4. I moved into an apartment near 9th and 9th.
5. I make just enough money to make ends meet.
6. New furniture is for rich people only.
7. I scour the fruitful interwebs for pieces of furniture that people are giving away for free. (Location is a trade secret. JK it's KSL.)
8. I pick it up (unless I fear for my safety upon arrival at the original owner's location) and I take it home.
9. I adopt it as my own.
10. Once my apartment is sufficiently furnished, I am going to start refinishing / reselling these pieces after first pinteresting the hell out of them.
11. Sorry I said hell.
12. My life is awesome.

No really though. It's already becoming a thing. It's a constant obsession of mine. PEOPLE GET RID OF THE COOLEST CRAP! They are dumb-dumbs. But please, keep me on hoarder watch. The last thing I want is to be found unconscious under a pile of used stuffed animals inside an apartment stuffed to the brim with free "treasures". I don't think that will be a problem though, because after watching even one episode of hoarders I throw away 60% of my stuff. 



Anyway. Freetail. It's my new thing.

Back in Black

This post has nothing to do with the color black, just mostly to do with the fact that I'm back.

I almost just wrote something really clever and funny and possibly offensive anecdote, but I'm not going to go there because I don't want to offend anyone. And if it's offensive, is it REALLY truly funny? I think not.

Today, I'm just going to organize some of the thoughts I had while I was driving down the freeway on my way to pick up some free closet doors. We'll save the rest of my saved up, juicy, blog-worthy stories for later posts. 


The subject of the LDS (or Mormon) religion has been swirling around with record exposure as Mitt Romney's presidential campaign has become front page news. This type of exposure can go two ways: good or bad. When it's bad, it's really bad... but when it's good it's awesome. There are a lot of rumors, misinterpretations, and actual truths about the church that have been brought up and discussed and ignored and refuted on a scale the LDS church has never seen. 


Not surprisingly, some of the early leaders of the church have once again come under public scrutiny. I have heard a fair amount criticism of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young in the media lately. Although I'd love to say that my confidence in the church and my testimony of the Gospel are untouchable entities far above any worldly attacks, I AM human. Hearing the inflammatory accusations and deliberate twisting of historical facts which paint our early church leaders as despicable evil liars DOES in fact bother me.

I have spent hours upon hours in the last few years pondering and studying and praying in hopes of gaining a stronger testimony of the events which took place in the early church, as well as building up a better emotional defense against seemingly tireless verbal and literary assailants.

This brings me back to my experience this morning. I have always accepted that the Lord's ways are not always (read: rarely) understood by his children. Even so, I have been confused and frustrated at times by historical occurrences and doctrinal principals for which I was unable to immediately fathom a rational purpose with my mortal mind. While driving along and reflecting, casually thinking about the progress I've made in this area of my life, a wonderful thought entered my mind. All at once I realized that it really just comes down to this:

The church is not about what anyone did 200 years ago. It's about what Jesus Christ did for us 2000 years ago.

If we can't remember this, we're missing the point. All of the Lord's prophets, apostles, disciples and followers who have ever walked the earth have been mortal men and women. We are all imperfect beings in a fallen world. Let's not let the misunderstood or yet unexplained actions and choices of fellow mortals distract us from the divine purpose and direction the Lord has in store for our existence. Jesus Christ perfectly balances an equation for which we have absolutely no hope of finding the solution to on our own. In a perfect world, I would always remember that.