Saturday, December 6, 2008

This is going to be short.

I don't want to offend all the other Twilighters out there who thought the movie was an epic masterpiece of cinematography. So I'll keep this brief.

As the trailers for twilight evolved and became more detailed, my excitement for the movie dwindled. The more I saw, the less I wanted to see. I finally caved and went to go see the actual movie a couple weeks ago. I figured I should at least give it a chance to redeem itself. And it was exactly how I had imagined it would be. I was less than enamored with the powdery makeup, horrible hair.. the wigs (Jacob and James) and bleach jobs (Carlisle.. for real. What the freak?) ... AND the total lack of eye contact between Bella and Edward interspersed with awkward cemented staring. Can't we have a happy medium?

Bella is a mouth-breather. She took more awkward gasps than James while he was "picking up her scent" for real. If Bella had been wearing a clothespin on her nose throughout the whole movie, it wouldn't have even mattered. Her breathy speech would have given her enough oxygen to hyperventilate. Which I'm pretty sure she did on several occasions.

Okay okay I can't keep it short now. I'm on a roll.

Edward looked like a monkey during the meadow scene. He was all curled up, bouncing around in a tree like a freaking orangutan while he was trying to tell her he was dangerous. I was more afraid of the possibility of him flinging his poo at her than of his brute strength and thirst for her blood.

Charlie was attractive. Don't judge me. I thought he was more attractive than Edward. I mean, minus the Po Po mustache of course. In real life he is only .... carry the 2... who cares how old he is. He wasn't wearing makeup. Also, he reminds me of an older, more mature Seth from the O.C.

Ya? ya. As compared to:

Hmmmm, no thanks. Not manly. Not Cute. Not even a little bit. Channeling Voldemort much? There is so much powder on his nose that it looks like it has melted into his face. I do not have the hots for He Who Shall Not Be Named.

I am so ashamed that I spent so long talking about twilight. Not abashedly ashamed of my fluttering heart like many a blogger who have dedicated their very soul to Edward Cullen, but ashamed that I even acknowledged him. Blahhhh. I'm sorry. I couldn't hold it in. Hate me if you will. But I still love you, despite your love for the Twilight movie. It had a lot of potential, but might as well have been made by these folks:


  1. shuwre shuwre girl. bahahhahahhaha

  2. Haven't seen it, but thoroughly enjoyed your review.

    I have a huge crush on Seth from OC.

  3. MMMM...You brought a Snack-Pack. Best line ever. Okay. No. But really funny.

  4. That was funny. But Kristin, Kristin, Kristin. Seriously. We have to have a talk. A deep talk. I'm a little upset. I decided to just give you the talk now. Have you read the books? Because I think anyone who reads the books can appreciate the FEW moments in the movie where the real genuis, and passion from the books is actually shown in the movie. The movie was a bit of a let down, but what movie made from a book isn't. The book is always better. And how can you resist something so great, a book so good that THOUSANDS of people lined up at all hours of the night to get it. When (besides Harry Potter) does this happen in the reading world! I think it is a great thing, and the movie just promotes that. I loved the movie, stupid parts and all. Krisitn, we need to go see this together and I will help your eyes be opened. P.S I still love you even if you don't share my love for vampires and werewolves.

  5. p.s... i have two words for charlie and his dad-stache..

    'tom skerritt'

  6. AHHAHAHA, Tom Skerrit! mmmmm.

  7. Hey, this is Jenna, I came to your blog through Tami's hope you dont mind. I just want you to know that I LOVE how you worded this and I might steal some of it (quoting you and giving you full credit of course) because you worded this movie SO well. I agree with you 100%.